Tuesday, May 19, 2015

You get the idea

Wheeled into the computer room. All set to blog away! Except now that I'm here, my hands have gone wicked cold and all I want to do is go back to bed. And not type, because at the moment, it's taking way, way too long and I keep typing badly, which doesn't make me want to keep typing.

Wow... I just put my hands on my face, and they feel as cold as they would if I had been using them to burrow through shaved ice for an hour.

A good acupuncturing yesterday. Got a point that is named something like "Path of happiness..." well, more happiness, I'll certainly take. But doc at one point told me, about something I said to him, "That's self pity."

Honestly, I don't know what that is. Really, I don't. Love, hate, impatience, anger, closed-heartedness, even self-delusion, I understand. Pity, I kind of understand, but I don't know how self-pity applies in this situation.

"Oh, look at my woe," is self-pity, I guess, but that was not as far as I could tell where I was. My legs get knotted up sometimes, because they can't move particularly well, and sometimes when I'm trying to move my legs for any reason, they twist and knot up and, being that I can't move them, there's nothing to do except keep trying, call for help, or give up and live with it; the latter of which doesn't work for me, because somehow I completely wig out when my legs lock and maybe my mind/whatever just freaks out and gets stuck. Knotted and immovable, just like my legs.

I don't get into a space of "Oh, my poor legs, my poor life, so cruel now!" Much simpler, really; basically, I just go into the world of "Oh, shit!" And it pretty much ends there, because my brain locks and all I can do is say "I'm stuck." Which I don't know how to map to "self pity."

Now: Having one's brain lock up on something that's completely uncontrollable and really, truthfully, without any moral, intellectual, spiritual... anything, they're just locked and uncomfortable/inconvenient. But hardly worthy of completely locking up and wigging out.

As Ram Dass says, I've got some work to do there. He and many of my friends use the word "witness" to speak of nonjudgmental observation. "Why yes, I'm doing that." And it ends there... you do whatever you do, and you just quietly witness it.

As Rick of Rick and Morty often says, "Don't judge."
So that's my work for today, and the next, and the next, and ... you get the idea.  Witnessing practice is easy, just witness things as they happen; the trick is to stay out of my own way and catch myself when, as Dennis Leary sings so eloquently, I'm an asshole.

Clever cartoon image commenting on that particular song, not supplied... Not necessary.

You already get the idea.

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