The end of an era. Happens a lot to us, um, humans... Things change, says the guy in a wheelchair who used to be an organist (can't even get on and stay on the bench, nowadays).
Yesterday, I sold my truck; it has been a very good friend since something like 1996. Almost 20 years, I guess. Got it hand-control-ified, new transmission, new engine. Worked like a dream.
It's still in the driveway, but it's gone when its new owner picks it up. Perhaps I'll snag a pic before he does.
The lesson behind this is that over a year ago, its time had come; I probably could have operated it, but there was no way I could get into it. Before I got into my current state, I could heave the wheelchair into the bed of the truck, "wall walk" (is that "truck walk?" same idea) to the cab, get in, and go. I made many a trip to Ten Ren in the day, but at the end, I was having to have their own staff help me out to my car, because I couldn't deal with the stuff I had specifically gone to Ten Ren to get.
Now, here's the real bottom line: I still have the truck in my driveway, I had even owned it until mid-day yesterday, but neither of those things would have been true if I had dealt with what was going on at the time, which is still going on right now. I'm fading; my herbalist told me that in Chinese medicine, MS is called a "withering disease," because the people who have it, wither.
Yup, that's me. Withering.
The real challenge we face is speaking the truth of what's going on now to what looks like is gonna happen whether we will or nil, without proclaiming, claiming, disability.
I was always really torqued off by the physical therapists who thumped the table and very proudly said "Never say can't!"
Well, dude, there's a reason I'm in a wheelchair, because at the moment, I can't walk. Whether you don't like me saying that does not effect not being able to walk. I didn't say "I'll never walk again," but the truth is "TODAY, I can't walk" whether you like "Can't" or not.
We disability-encroached-upon MSers, we gotta deal with the whole "can't" thing as it comes upon us. For example, I'm in the Cath Club right now; pretty much everyone understands the value of prompt urination, but I don't empty so well any more (not counting the whole "spastic bladder" thing) and as everyone knows, "I want to go to the bathroom NOW but I'll deal with it later, maybe" is a story that doesn't end at all well. As a fellow Cath Clubber said, I'm just backing it up into my kidneys. Which are not really built for such things.
But the lesson of saying farewell to my little truck has been, basically, deal with it. You may or may not have to do something, but if nothing else...
Deal with it.