Look up, don't give up

A dark place, I'm in. I am far from "time to end it all" and the usual nastiness that such invokes, but I think I'm just... done.

I was so proud of how I sat down to type this to you. Fingers barely work, and what passes for typing has error after error after... I usually catch most of those, but I don't always. I had always expected that writing words and music would always be available, who needs to be out of a wheelchair to do that? Nice idea, but it doesn't always work.

I need to research, probably with help from the MS Society, some assistive aids for the computer--keyboard, mouse, speech-to-text stuff, which my phone can do but not always well, which means I need to expend more labor to use the labor-saving software.

Still working on the music-writing issues. I have some "is the lens cap on" things to check, which I can no longer see to myself because I can't get out of the wheelchair to fight with cables, but I may be able to get Wife to give it a try. But mucking about with hardware and a truculent operation system, I hardly regard as "therapy."

I am cold cold cold, constantly. My legs, usually only and foremost my right leg, have moved into thank God not "constant," but "regular" pain. Right leg especially goes spastic and kicks; I can erase both of those with the right varietal of medical marijuana--it has to be the correct variety, I have not that much interest in "just getting high," but use the right kind and POOF pain goes away and stays away, for quite a while. Pain comes back, have another hit. Ah, if the standard Western drugs were only so good; I got one in the hospital that was supposed to kill pain and spasticity, which it kinda did, but not at all well, and it took too long to kick in and gave up too soon and the bottle said no, I had to wait in spasticity and pain for several hours before trying again, which would do me no good then as well as now.

Or I can smoke some weed and I'm set for hours.

Yeah, like I'm going to ask for the Western meds because they're "better."

I don't think so.

And I'm hitting the wall; gotta check a couple of things and then back to bed. My hands are so very, very cold... I rinse them in nice warm water, hands feel great, I dry them off, and try to type, and... they're cold again. Too cold to type.

There are too many handicap-helping things in the world. A better choice is to look them up rather than give up.

Look up, don't give up.

Works well for many situations, no?