Wednesday, May 27, 2015

I give up

It has been a couple/few days since I checked in. Using the computer is hard, my hands don't feel like cooperating with my requests to type.

Took four tries to hit the letter "c" and push the key down enough to input the letter.

I managed to de-fubar my computer, all it took was a new keyboard. WTF, Apple? And keyboard people? Please play nicely together....

With keyboard back, I tried to go back to music writing! Got some stuff done! Now, it took me SIX tries to type some word in, I kept hitting completely wrong letters, one after another.

I don't know how long I'll keep doing this. I'm close to giving up.

Considering how many tries it took simply to type "give up," because I kept hitting wrong letters one after another, over and over...

Yeah. I give up.

I haven't really been giving up, the way I do today, until recently. I could, I suppose, go into details, but... Not today. Might be different tomorrow, but right now...

I give up.

(Don't worry, the worst I'll do is lie down and watch my iPad play cartoons or something, but given how many weeks, months? I haven't been able to do music stuff, but now my computer can, but I can't...

That sucks. And I don't even have the wherewithal to come up with a cartoon that encapsulates giving up.

Well, just one:

Friday, May 22, 2015

I'm done

Ah, Los Angeles. Many things can be said about it, but one of them is not "nice and warm," at least nowadays. We're nearly to June, and mornings get to 60 degrees if we're lucky. Not quite the "get an ice vest to keep cool" as in earlier times.

But also, earlier times are indeed earlier. They're not now. Thank goodness I have something more specific to this weather: long-sleeved shirts, sweaters, and a blanket to put over my legs.

A friend of mine came sort-of by to visit; driving all over LA wasn't in the cards, so it was go there or don't visit, Alas, I didn't, this person is very very dear to my heart, I'm sorry I missed the visit, but with last night's state, it wasn't in the cards for me, either.

This person has, let's call them "issues," with particular people; the specifics aren't relevant to this discussion, and you should be glad I'm not sharing them, because they're not so good...

This predicament reminds me of the End Times in my last workplace. Many things could be said, but one of them is about the value of leaving when it's time; overstaying is a bad idea. The devil we know is always preferred to the devil we don't, but as I've found time and again, usually for painful reasons,  staying when you're supposed to bail out ends much more tragically than one hopes, or (certainly in my case) even imagines.

As Stephen Universe clearly told Pearl, "You've just got to know when to bail."
Even though it can be sad. Which, in my experience, it often is.

"Bailing" isn't available to us MSers, at least in tossing the MS out the window and "moving on," as Stephen Colbert used to say.

But MS doesn't muddle our consciousness the same it does our... well, whatever it is that it has karked up for each of us. So for us, "bail" is about old ways of thinking. Noticing that we're creating problems for ourselves. Letting the devil we know go before the devil we don't know introduces himself... which usually turn out badly. Sometimes very badly.
It's kinda like going into the dentist and crossing the Rubicon, telling them "Yeah, it's time to pull that tooth" or "Go ahead and drill" or, well, you can imagine and probably have already had this very experience, or one effectively the same.

And it's surprisingly easy... two simple words are all that's needed:

I'm done.

Or, as a member of AA told me that he says if someone offers him alcohol,

I think I've had enough.

Certainly, those who think (quite correctly) that I need to change something, can speak of it all they want, but everything changes when my mind changes... Everything changes, everything changes, when you come to a personal realization that it's time to cross the Rubicon and own one simple truth:

I'm done.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015


When I left the acupuncturist's on Monday, my hands were wonderfully warm. Would probably have made typing more pleasant, more correct, more doable! And maybe even more fun!

Yeah, that didn't last a day. Hands are cold again now; I keep trying to warm them, which feels good when I do try to warm them, but they stay cold.

This MS thing is rather a drag.

To put it politely.

Which is probably one of the only times it has or will be referred to "politely."

If we really let fly with how we really feel about it... as Dr. Seuss once said, oh the places you'll go!
Probably not what the good doctor was thinking about. US MSers probably have something... different to be the place where we want to go.
I am scheduled to go see a friend from Yale, a 1982 classmate, who's visiting from Somewhere Far Away (hard to keep track of where she is, she's a continent hopper); it entails quite the drive, surprising that I foresee it with such trepidation. I used to go the distance, the route, between there and home daily. It ain't that easy, any more, simply to be in a car.

My music was played at Yale's 314th commencement. It's going to be played at a local private high-school's commencement, a gig I played for FORTY YEARS and can't any more. Organs were not intended to be played by people in wheelchairs. The whole "pedal" thing, y'know.

I would have written new music for the class who's graduating that day, because they were my last class there and we had time after glorious time in the Anime Club, watching stuff that was within the category of "literature"--A favorite, Gankutsuo, is modeled after the Dumas' Count of Monte Christo.
No Naruto. Never Naruto. Gag...

Well, I've hit the wall. I'm going to spend a few moments trying to figure out how I can get the OS on my computer to cooperate with everything that I've been using to write music for years, which was put "off the table" by the OS getting "better" and thus, chock full of "improvements."

I hope it's something as simple as "plug the USB cable into another jack on the computer" rather than spending two or three days installing a new (actually old, several releases old) version of the OS. Friend of mine has to do this all the time, he's working with people who are using very specific versions of very specific software, which can only be run by ver specific versions of the OS. Makes you long for the simplicity of Windows XP.

But, no need to go down THAT road this morning, I'm dealing with new kinds of spasticity that makes my legs twitch and kick, usually into empty space, while I've got something really really spoilable in my lap.

And there it goes, as I sit and type. I got enough "typing problems" without knocking the mouse and the keyboard off my lap and one the floor.

So I'm gonna check out now, while my legs are sort of kind of under control.

Again, the limitations of the English language... almost nothing below my waist is controllable, much less "under control." Clearly, us MSers need a new language to work with.

A change in consciousness that is evidenced by the new language. Interesting, cool, even.

If it works. Well, changing consciousness definitely changes everything, but a new language would certainly be...