Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Time to do The Work

It has definitely been a while since we last chatted... The first time in days that I've had the strength to sit at the computer and type... and I've already hit the wall, having typed three letters and a web page. Dang, it sure doesn't take much to stop me in my tracks.

While I was at my MD/acupuncturist this last Monday, my wife took my wheelchair tires t a wheelchair shop to get them seen to. Folks, if any of you have wheelchairs to deal with, treat 'em better than you probably treat your car. Having the failed tire repaired makes a HUG!!!!!! difference, in the way everything works. Safety, maneuverability, everything gets better.

Can't wait to take the whole device in for a going-over.

Yesterday, I had a very odd acupuncture treatment... summoning the seven dragons, to clear "possession," which I don't even vaguely understand enough to describe but dang, do I feel better after it has been cleared.

And a good "reality check" with my not-quite-unattaching from the past. I was telling him about how I was very clear of My Former Work7place and all my issues with it, and I was asked in precisely these words: "Why do you care at all?"

A very good question... I barely eat anything (a reminder to self: finish this and go eat something, idiot, even if you don't really want to), simply sitting at the computer as I am now takes me down the road of hand-control failure of failed typing or control of pretty much anything, I can't really read (whether its glasses problems or eye/brain problems) and as Professor Farnsworth of Futurama would say, "Lordy Loo..." it's not like what's easily readable on anything is worth reading at all, delusion chasing delusion chasing delusion, a very good way to get deluded yourself. But attachment, insidious attachment...

And besides copping to "I'm still attached," there's nothing else TO be done. As Ram Dass writes, if they don't appreciate you, that's on them, but if you're stuck on being appreciated, that's on you. Time to do some work.

Well, that's definitely a gift of MS. Time to do some work? Well, besides keeping up with the Cath Club, remembering to eat and take my herbs, deal with a few other Unfun Medical Things... what other work do I have to do?

Not "stuff" to do, but work to do? Even if, as I definitely have right now, have hit the wall and need to get back to bed? Well, yeah, eat first, but it is definitely time to pack it in... and, clearly, Do the Work, and let the Work Do You.

Clearly... as Arsenio Hall used to say to start his show, "It's time."

Time to do the Work. Well, the MS Highway does provide many interesting... opportunities, does it not?

Friday, August 15, 2014

Memento Mori Management

Been following surprisingly challenging doctor's orders this week. Simplest way to convey at least one of them is "Dude, get outta the damned house!"

I've gotten out of the house every day for the past week, starting with two doctor's visits Monday and Tuesday. Even tried to go out for lunch Wednesday and Thursday.

Not that it made much difference, for lunch nowadays I basically eat a poker chip or something that amount/size, which at least one of the other doctor's would like to change (zero interest in food means I lose even more weight, given what little I weigh nowadays, that's no good). Hoping to make it to the LA Tea Festival tomorrow.

Doc #2 told me to drink pu erh tea, but be sure it doesn't have mold on it (a characteristic of some varieties). Said mold was a good herbal-istic idea once, but not today. So I got some nice dry stuff right off the cake, zero mold, and the Jedi Tea Master told me that if I treated it correctly, I could get twenty washes from a single "dose" of tea. Very economical, indeed!

Had a surprise visit from a former co-worker, who's still at ... There, shall we call it. Sounds like things haven't changed, in the "makes life miserable" department. That it continues to have been a really, really good idea to bail when I did (might have even been better to bail earlier, but as Alton Brown is famous for saying, "That's another show") and for various reasons, it might very well be a good idea for said former co-worker to bail too.

Taking care of somebody else's business is one thing. Taking care of your own life is another.

Eventually, even I realized that the latter was the superior approach.... especially when it seems that you have to choose only one of them.

As we have all heard, I'm sure, that not a single gravestone either says, or ever will say, "If only I had spent more time at the office." As the Good Book says, their tombs are the fairest white alabaster, but they are full of dead men's bones.

Life is memento mori enough as it is. Middle management making you wish you were dead is a life not worth spending. We only get so many moments... fighting with management's vagaries is not really the best way to spend them, are they?

Saturday, August 9, 2014

New homework

A thought on witnessing and awareness...

Time after time, I see how my right hand is withering. How every day it seems to be able to do less and less... How I type next to "only" with my left hand, fever watching the screen, instead staring at the keyboard because I'm already making enough errors as it is, at least this way (staring at the keyboard) I catch the errors as they are made. Mostly.

But what I don't witness is success. Instead of seeing "I managed to do X" I see "Doing X used to be possible and now it isn't." It's the classic "Is the glass half full or half empty?" question... I would probably be happier to see "I was able to X well enough to achieve Y" rather than fixating on "I should be able to X, I used to be able to X, and now I can't."

Man, attachment is indeed a subtle trap...

Yesterday I found myself musing on My Old Life, at the place I used to work and even called home, and I remembered This Thing... This particular memory used to pull me down the rabbit hole of fury, of offense, of rage; but that particular time, reminiscing was very quiet. "Yeah, I think I am still pissed at that." That's as bad as it got. "Better?" I suppose, and certainly "better" simply by being honest with myself, but I guess I'm still stuck there. Not as virulently as I used to be, but attached is attached, and letting go for real is letting go for real.

It's very interesting what angers me and what doesn't. Being in the Cath Club doesn't bother me. Being in a regular (if you can use that word) relationship with Dulcolax doesn't bother me. Being unable to play or even sit at the organ doesn't bother me like it used to. Being wheelchair-bound doesn't bother me; maybe it's being good at navigating it... But the "hand stuff" is really getting to me. Being unable to type. Being unable to deal with a "piano-style" keyboard, even for data entry, really bothers me. Having problems operating the mouse really bothers me. Having such poor control over my legs that they "pretzel up" and lock each other up when all I'm trying to do is to get them under a sheet, or trying to get them underneath me in the wheelchair (or any chair) really bothers me.

My spiritual advisor would demand not "What do you think," but "What do you feel?" And that, I can't answer. Whatever I feel is buried so deep that I can't even describe it shoddily. Well, that's more work, I guess, and Ram Dass would (probably) suggest that I should thank this difficulty simply for being there to each me a lesson.

And thus MS gives its gifts. There was NO OTHER WAY TO GET YOUR ATTENTION so I had to try this!

And it's gonna keep pissing you (me) off until you (I) learn what is necessary. The neurological nonsense may never abate, but "taking affect" from it, as my Spiritual Guy would say, that's another matter. As Ram Dass would say, that's on me.

So again, MS has set a gift before me. Which is gonna sit there and keep pissing me off until I receive the gift as offered.

Clearly... new homework.