Saturday, July 19, 2014

Yup; I'm attached

Man, yesterday was a day I do NOT want to experience again.

Lost the ability to control my hands... fingers would just casually curl under, which meant I couldn't place my palm on something to get a purchase of any kind.

About 2-ish AM, somehow managed to get into the bathroom for a quick cath-ing, but then, trying to make it all the way back to the wheelchair, I couldn't raise my knees up high enough to free my feet from the floor, where they seemed to be quite stuck (friction, not stickiness). Somehow made it back into the wheelchair, somehow made it back into the bed.

Earlier that night, I was so unable to control anything and slid out of the wheelchair onto the floor, from which thank God my wife was able to free me and put me back into the bed.

I was mired in a sea of "I can't do anything." Yeah, I've heard it before, don't say "can't," to which I want to reply "YOU try driving this body around at this particular moment, and you'll understand what 'can't' really means."

5-ish AM Morning Cath jaunt... transfer from the bed to the chair, "walk" from the chair to the commode, cath with no problem (yesterday, there was a time I had so little hand control that I couldn't lube my catheter without assistance), "walk" back to the chair, transfer back to the bed. No problem! Problems? What problems?

Yesterday was hell. Today is what nowadays passes for normal. But, at least, it passes for "functional." It's certainly "normal enough" for all practical purposes.

Now, yeah, I know that we who have chosen this incarnation have enough issues to deal with already, man that is born of woman hath but a short time to live and is full of misery and all that. But, WTF? WTFingF?

I know Neurological Nonsense, however it is expressed, is always a moving target... but c'mon, really? Really?

As one of my former students said, while pointing at an architectural oddity...

What's up with that?

Someone on FB has a picture of, maybe it might have been Krishnamurti, who said "I got a lot happier when I stopped minding what happened."

Well, I want to get out of my chair and into the bathroom, and out of the bathroom back into my chair, and from my chair back into the bed.

And if I can't (screw you, sometimes I actually, observably can't), I mind.

That, I definitely mind. I can't empty my bladder without a catheter, that I don't mind. I've been having bowel issues and sometimes need suppositories to "shake things up" enough to get them moving. That, I don't mind.

But I can't get comfortable in the bed? I can't get out of my wheelchair into the bed?

That... I mind.

Attachment is an insidious thing. This journey along the Neurological Way has certainly shown me all sorts of hidden, nasty, attachments. The teaching of which I have welcomed, and still seek ways to free myself.

But getting into bed? Getting into a position, in the bed, that will reduce rather than exacerbate a headache? Getting into and out of the bathroom so I can not die from the urine in an unemptied bladder frying my kidneys?

Yup. I'm attached.

Wonder what the Buddha would say about that?

As they said in the Legend of the Rangers, "We live for the One, we die for the One... but we don't die stupid."




Wednesday, July 9, 2014

... ... long pause ... ...

My kyudo teacher often tells how someone told him, "An hour of practice is an hour of practice."

It's 10:30 in the morning. I wanted to come to my computer, do... well, something... and then maybe write some music.

Actually, I want to lie down and give up. The last time I tried to write music, I made something like four measures. And then lay down and gave up.

Well, to paraphrase my kyudo teacher, four measures are four measures. One note is one note.

And yet, I just want to lie down and give up.

So, what is going to happen? What is ... about to happen?

Who can say? ... ... ... ... ... ... A long pause. Fingers, especially on my right hand, are pretty much checking out or splattering text as I try to "type." Today, I think I'm about at the end of ... trying, and sitting up.

Am I already at the end of ... today, in the land of "doing things besides lying or struggling with the bathroom (something I do all the time I try to use that room... struggle, that is).

So, do I give up for today?

... ... ... ... long pause ... ... ...

Who can say, until we get there? Just like life, ain't it...?

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

For now...

This was a blog entry of a few days ago. You'll understand why the title leapt out at me...

Is "better" possible?

Seth goes on to say "The easiest and safest thing to do is accept what you've been 'given', to assume that you are unchangeable, and the cards you've been dealt are all that are available." He's living in the "business world," but we MSers, we face this question all the time.

It hung me up repeatedly when I was in the hospital, it faces me every time I see the latest cash-cow-du-jour Fabulous New MS Drug. I would ask "And this is going to make me feel... better?" and just hear the rattle of the air conditioner. I hear a lot of things like "X is thought to [whatever]," and I know that's legal mumbo jumbo, but it just torques me off. My reaction: "You want ME to take this, but you don't know what it does?"

I take stuff all the time. B12. Thyroxin. Herbs, herbs, herbs, and more herbs. My care givers tell me what these things do. They know what they do, and more importantly, they know what they do for me. Here and now, as Ram Dass would say. Chinese herbalism is all about this... take this today, because today, this is what you need.

Yup. I've been spoiled.

We MSers, and Lord knows, certainly this MSer, that'd be me, need to accept what we're given. Because the way I am today, is the way that I am. Today.

I try to do it non-claiming-permanent-disability style. Yeah, I can't play organ. Today. Very, very different from "I can't play organ any more" or "... ever again." That's an easy, NLP-class of approach. I try to tell the truth at the time I basically "hit the wall," and once I am quite sure that I have indeed hit the wall, I give up... today.

But that's all I got. To give up... today. But not tomorrow... today, at least.

All sorts of people have said the same thing. Physical therapists, Rolfers, many many folks... There's a big difference between "hurts good" and "hurts bad." If it hurts good--do it. Strive for it. Enjoy it. If "hurts good," after all. But if it hurts bad... stop.

My "hurts" in dealing with the computer to write things like this, or maybe even music... Physically may not hurt bad, but face-planting into "my hands don't work so good," that hurts bad--emotionally, certainly. But when it hurts bad (emotionally), it definitely hurts (emotionally) pretty darned bad.

And I have definitely hit the wall, emotionally (with malfunctioning fingers) and energetically... yup, I'm done. Definitely.

For now... For now and today, at least. But later? Tomorrow? Who can say?

We'll find out when we get there. To "later," that is. Well, Ram Dass would remind us that "now" is all we get. And so, hitting the wall, is what I have.

For now... When "later" gets here, we'll see what happens then.

For now.