Sunday, July 26, 2015

Man, it's taking a lot just to do this.

I have orchestral music that needs to be reviewed and maybe fixed, prior to release. I don't have the wherewithal to deal with it.

I barely have the wherewithal to do this, and I probably won't be taking long before I give up.

That's pretty much my current state. Give up.

Just lie there and maybe listen to something, maybe go back to sleep. Have lunch, go to sleep. Have dinner, go to sleep.

Well, it's an uncomplicated life...

Rocky Mountain MS Society's regular publication arrived at the house recently; some excellent articles on medical marijuana. Which articles came after the multi-page ad for Copaxone. Somehow, although I understand that ads pay for the publication, someone may have missed the point.

Interesting bits were printed about the history of cannabis use... it has been used on many continents, literally for millennia. And somehow, The System needs to do double-blind experiments to see if it's safe. I get it, but c'mon! If there was a problem with it, you think maybe after several continents and millennia of use, we'd know it?

How long does it take to learn how much NOT to drink? Takes at most one or two "lessons," and you know exactly what happens if you over-enthusiastically help yourself. Doesn't take a double-blind study. EVERYBODY knows what happens; it has either happened first-person to you, or you've seen what happens to other people who need to learn this lesson.

My herbalist quoted me a study that established the lethal dose for weed to be on the order of forty-three pounds. You would more easily be crushed by the 43-pound bale landing on you than surviving smoking 43 pounds of it. I think it's safe.

Ask anyone who went to college in the 80's, they're still doing fine. Many of them even having given up on smoking it simply by becoming disinterested... see how often that happens with tobacco. How many people do you know who have just upped and quit smoking cigarettes? That'd be three, count 'em, three, for me. I know people who gave up cocaine but couldn't quit smoking. Tobacco kills people. But it's huge-air-quotes "safe." But cannabis, which all but can't kill you, they want studies on. Which they can't get because the feds have their heads up their ass and call it Category 1 and thus, nobody can get at it, so of course it's untested enough and therefore unsafe.

Yeah, well I don't think so. I got multiple doctor types with whom I talk about different weed strains doing different things: one for spasm, one for daytime "let's get the munchies and eat!"

I wish it would encourage me to work on music. But a really good weed buzz doesn't help you make sure you ain't got wrong notes in the 2nd Violin part.

Where's the gift of MS, in my current state?

Perhaps a call to be at peace; to persevere as best you can. Just like, y'know, life.

So where will that take me today?

Perhaps bed, to start with. We'll see.

We'll see.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Not a bad idea

Well, at least I did some music this morning. Fixed some stuff, now we're ready to fix the next stuff.

Manipulating the computer is taking a lot of effort. A lot of effort. Controlling hands at all is nearly not happening...  Let's be honest, I'm controlling some, sometime quite enough to function, but the living with working around misfunctioning hands, correction after correction after mistype followed by more correction... well, to put it bluntly, is no fun at all.

This is WAY different from "How am I going to fix this" or "NOW what's the tune supposed to be?" and the usual Composer's Dilemmas... That, I'm quite used to. But tring to hold down, say, an A-flat on the piano-style keyboard, and instead the finger won't stay on the key, won't press down, won't do anything useful or usable... and that takes time and energy away from trying to accomplish something, anything, which means that hand issues or no hand issues, I get sucked dry of energy and thus can do fewer or no creative things.

What am I stuck on? Memories of bygone days of using my hands? Of being able to actualize creation? I'm sure someone might say coarsely, "Well, deal with it," but "dealing," I ain't doing.

And I've hit the wall and need to go to bed.

I want to welcome the answer to this difficulty. Not to "accept it," but to welcome the answer.

Well there I go again. Gotta change my consciousness.

Not a bad idea, in and of itself.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Not interested

Went to bed last night thinking I'd work on music today. I may yet.

Now that I've been sitting at computer long enough to order some niece-birthday gifts, and a couple of other notes, and I'm seriously thinking of giving up. Especially since the whole "bad typing" thing eats time and frustrates me.

The music I want to work on, it isn't that hard.

Just sitting at the computer, and using it and getting good use out of it... that's hard.

And I feel myself hitting the wall. Time to go to bed.

Any other "note sending" will wait until I'm in bed. I have a couple on the list, just friend-to-friend, nothing scary or about business or that kind of stuff.

Maybe a cup of tea and try again. Maybe a give up and just go to bed. Maybe sleep.

It's a challenging world, where "give up" is more nurturing than "keep going."

I'm not changing my internal picture of myself into "an invalid" or something like that. I just don't enjoy suffering. Staying up too long engenders the suffering, it seems.

I got no fancy philosophy... as to the "suffering" thing...

Not interested.

Who is?