Monday, July 9, 2012

The way out...

Yin and yang; darkness and light. But no grey. I'm up, or I'm down; or so it seems, right now.

Got up easily enough yesterday, with the sun. Before my alarm, even! Made it to church no problem--early, even! Sang the anthem without falling over. Went "backstage" to use the restroom, sat down, and nearly fell asleep. (And not because of the sermon... just "because.")

Made it home OK, no problems at all. Sat outside with my laptop and a notepad--yes, one of those ancient analog pen-and-paper things, which at the onset of the project, is actually the superior, preferable, advantage-laden technology of choice. Got a lot of work done. Had a wonderful time, even though it was starting to get uncomfortably warm, even in the shade.

Went inside, lay down, turned on the A/C, went to sleep.

Didn't really have much energy the rest of the evening. For anything. Even for TV watching.

I do kinda wonder where this is coming from... I think I'm starting to move through the grieving process, and of course when you're trying to go "through" you're definitely "in the middle of" it, and as I learned too late in life, sometimes the way out is "through."

And to be honest, even knowing where it was coming from would probably do nothing to ameliorate it, or my experience of it.

But, it's a step (as it were) forward... I'm able to accomplish something. And that's good.

And given the way I "walk"... tottering, grabbing at the walls for support, sometimes lurching off balance in some random direction even when I'm just standing, even standing while holding onto something...

Anything that can be described as a "step," in the direction that I want to go in, is a good thing.

The way out is through. Keep moving, try not to hurt yourself when you hit something. But keep moving.

Even if it's only one... "step."

1 comment:

Muffie said...

Robert, my heart aches for you going through this process. Please, give it time -- things don't resolve themselves quickly -- certainly not in the short time frame you've had. You have the right intention, though, by allowing the grieving to take place. Yes, it's a time-consuming process, but think of it the way you consider your music composing. Don't expect results immediately. "Gift" yourself with time, and before too, too long, you'll start to recognize recovery. Then, too, expect some backsliding from time to time. You were involved with a profession you loved. Then it was snatched away before you had time to savor all the beauty of it. Now, you need to allow the grieving to take place.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Sorry about the lengthy "homily" -- you probably thought you were back in church!