Independence

Calendar says that today is "Independence Day." Independence and dependence have very different meaning, for us on the Neurological Highway.

I spent most of today in bed, not doing anything creative, as I had kinda-sorta hoped to do, once upon a time.

I live around a mile away from a bridge from which a whole lot of Pasadena goes to watch the fireworks over the Rose Bowl. I've gone there many a time before, such as the year-2000 fireworks festival. Always wonderfully spectacular.

But those were the days before I had been "accessorized," shall we say, by the wheelchair/walker. It was always a challenge—I live at the bottom of the San Rafael hills, the first quarter-mile uphill is at a 45-degree angle, not an easy walk when you can "just walk." And definitely with the walker or the wheelchair, it ain't gonna happen. So... no fireworks, this year.

I barely made it to a favorite tea shop with my wife. Going to Taiwanese tea together is something we both enjoy doing. I wasn't really convinced that I was going to be able to do it until I got in the truck and "gave it the old college try" to drive there. I was barely able to use the walker at all, my wife had to push me around in "wheelchair mode."

We're growing tomatoes in our front yard. I can't pick them, because right now, it's too hard to walker down the driveway (downhill can be nasty difficult). I have to ask to have them picked, even when all I want is one.

Right now, I feel like I'm simply not able to do anything. Are there things that need doing? Yes and no; there are creative projects that I want to undertake, some of which have definite due dates in October and November, other stuff doesn't have a fixed due date but I want to do it anyway. Nothing immediately due, certainly. But simply walking around the house right now has become more difficult than ever, I have no interest to drive even the block between me and a local store (walking there when I could "just walk" was easy, but trying to "walker" that far would be a big mistake), even sitting with my laptop to blog is nearly too much to ask.

Acupuncturist yesterday did his best to specifically address my not-at-all-fun-to-be-in state. It sort-of worked, I felt fine when I got off the table, but I feel like I'm back to where I started, pre-treatment, already.

'Course, on the M.S. Highway, things change. A lot. All the time. With no notice, and for no apparent reason.

I will definitely take "independence" from my current very-down state... But today is definitely not "independence day." I'm sorta-kinda independent enough, physically... I can make it around the house without help, dress/bathe/all the "personal care" things that one really hopes never to require help for, but "independent locomotion" is something that, at the moment, I feel like I'm knocking on the door of being freed from.

And that's a freedom I definitely do not crave.