Saturday, July 21, 2012

"To-do" list

No creative+music-writing work today. Did, however, do some research, which in its own way requires not just diligence but out-of-the-box thinking. Which, I guess, is a kind of creativity, it its own right.

Spent some time working on this project outside. That was good, until I got too hot. We weren't talking 100-degree "too hot," which isn't all that atypical for Southern California, but I didn't realize how "too hot" I was until I got into the Blessed Zone Of Air-Conditioning. Dang, that felt good; and my second thought, immediately following "OH that's wonderful" was "Gee... I guess I was too hot."

Took a break to drive to the next town to pick up Taiwanese tea and take-out dinner. Tiny flashes of emotion, as I was driving... all tied into my separation from my previous employer. In my head, I think easily, "It was time." And it's very facile to go philosophical about "to everything there is a season" and "Dude, look at how much time you've been spending on your back and how much trouble you've been having with X, Y, and Z, how was it not time?" and Hearing Various Stories About Various Things that made me think "Dude, this was a blessing in disguise, and not-that-thickly disguised, either."

And yet, I still feel anger. Things have yet to be released. Whether they're capital-T "true" or not, whether I'm morally justified to feel that way or not, whether I (giant air quotes) "know" that I (giant air quotes) "need to let them go" or not, they're still there.

And in the very next thought that comes to me is But you're not angry at M.S. for taking what it has from you. That, though, is easy. M.S. doesn't exist. And even if it did, it didn't "choose to take things" from me.

Now, I've been bombarded by inspirational quotes from Facebook friends about letting things go and all of that, yadda yadda yadda, I know all that. I'm still angry. And I'm still hurt.

And yes, I know I'm doing the hurting, I'm causing my own discomfort by not letting go my anger and resentment. If merely knowing that were enough, I'd have let everything go long ago.

And I know that M.S. doesn't exist. But if it did, I'd say this to it now: I challenge you—help me. Help me learn what I'm supposed to learn. You've been a very generous giver of gifts. You've given me many gifts that I didn't, at the time, know I needed, but it always turned out... I did. And I thank you for those. But, I would say to it now, here's a gift I know that I want. A gift that I actually ask for:

Help me forgive. Help me forgive the blind for not knowing that they do not see.

And just because Jesus on the cross said, "Forgive them father, they know not what they do," him having done that doesn't make doing it yourself any easier.

So, as my kyudo teacher said, nobody's going to give you anything unless you open your hands.

So... I guess I've just written my own "to-do" list, haven't I? With only one item:

Open your hands.

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