Saturday, January 23, 2010

Manifestation; terror

A day of both calmness and turbulence.

First, a tremendous change; I'm writing music again. Quickly. Easily. Not of the same scope (for huge chorus and orchestra) as I have in the past, but the notes are flowing. I'm having ideas--and better yet, ideas that I like.

This hasn't happened for months. Years, perhaps. I hope this is a sign that the Great Creative Drought is coming to an end.

I drove my wife to one of our favorite tea shops this morning. Completely without difficulty.

I made breakfast, for the first time in months.

Things were going so well, I decided to drive out to Claremont, to the university library I can still access thanks to their alumni library-card policy. To do some research for a piece for the high school, and for some other further-down-the-line projects.

I got about six minutes into my drive -- no problems, freeway busy but not bad -- and I suddenly felt... terror. It wasn't a "panic attack," I was still breathing normally, I was in complete control of myself and the vehicle, but for some reason, I was just soaking in terror.

Now, admittedly, this is a bit of a drive, 30 miles, one way. I can't count how many times I've done that drive, I went there every day for four years of DMA study. I do a 25-mile drive every week to see my acupuncturist, on less friendly freeways, and I never feel terror like that. I used to do twice that distance through worse traffic without even thinking about it, I've even done my share of solo four and eight hour drives. But somehow, today, it became a Big Deal. I spent the entire trip chanting various mantras just to soothe myself. I arrived at the library completely spent, and had not nearly the amount of fun that I had hoped to (although I did accomplish the the primary goals I had set for myself).

The ride back home was about 80% of the difficulty as the ride out. Bad, but not as bad. Stopped at the Chinese herbalist on the way home (who told me to be sure to eat pork or beef, and that good nutrition supports the herbs, neither can succeed alone but both work together--and also told me to sit in a jacuzzi, which my neurologist/acupuncturist also has told me to do, and when both of them agree, you know you gotta do it). From there went to the tea shop to pick up a drink for my wife, and at the tea shop I met a couple of magicians doing some really zippy finger-flinging card moves for each other--struck up a conversation with them, they were very nice, and that five-minute chat really lifted my spirits. The drive home was a piece of cake.

I'm not really sure what the terror was about... Definitely, I'm going to think about that for a while.... But more importantly, I gotta keep this "music jag" going. Being in a comfortable creative space is always good for me, and right now, it's really, really good for me.

And nice music gets written.

Everybody wins!

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