The leak persists

Would have been a frustrating weekend, had I the gumption to get frustrated.

Had a very intense session with my qi gong practitioner, who usually does me a great deal of good. Previous sessions have been marvelously productive; I tell him my legs are cold, he pokes me in a couple of places, waves his hands over me, and walks out of the room. Twenty seconds later, my legs warm up. At least, that's how it used to go. He spent a great deal of time working on me, I could tell that something had happened--somehow, everything felt softer, more open to me and to itself. He told me that my Fire energy was very low (something my acupuncturist often comments on), and that usually he's able to fill people up and they do fine, but with me, it just doesn't stick.

He has no idea what's up. His other MS patients, he says he's helped much more quickly, but the fixes he does just don't stay fixed. "Very difficult case," he says. How many times have I heard my herbalist say that? Exactly those same words... "Little by little," they both say.

Well, the Fire's out again. Acupuncturist tomorrow, we'll see how long the good he does me lasts.

The kicker is, if I weren't seeing these people, I probably would be in unspeakably horrible shape. I don't get suicidal--do not be concerned, dear reader, I'd never do that to my wife, to my kids at school--but I've been drifting in and out of "you know, if I just died in my sleep, how bad would that be?" I can't imagine--actually, the scary thing is, I can imagine--what life would be like without the support I'm getting, even if it seems to evaporate way, way too soon.

Something good happened today, though. An experiment: I made myself some matcha, the fine-powdered green tea used at Japanese tea ceremonies and to flavor green tea ice cream, this afternoon at the time when I regularly enter a multi-hour energy nadir. Now, the stuff I used was something I got from a Hong Kong tea importer, it was pretty nasty tasting and way too speed-y, but surprise! It kept me out of the pit of anti-energy that I descend into starting around 1:30 in the afternoon, and I was actually able to take care of some long-overdue business, without any trouble.

I don't think it replenished my Fire energy (not at all, based on how I'm feeling right now), but a little bit of energy, even pharmaceutical energy, was a welcome change. I don't think I'm going to be asking my doctor for a stimulant prescription, because this tea stuff is easier to get, it's got a nice flavor, I can moderate the dosage myself with a minimum of fuss, it's probably better for me than some unpronounceable chemical, and has no nasty side effects. I have to be careful not to overdrug myself, I have enough problems sleeping as it is. But if it can keep me going a little longer in the afternoon, and postpone the inevitable crash just a little while, that is, as Martha Stewart is often quoted as saying, a Good Thing.

But this whole "being constantly unable to manifest creative work" is wearing pretty thin. I'm starting to visit anger and depression, on and off, from time to time. Which, I guess, is progress.

I think.