Crushed

The last few days were simply wonderful. I felt quite nice; my life, the world was full of possibilities.

Today, all that wonderful full-of-life joy and ebullience... it's gone. I'm not depressed, exactly (at least I don't think so) but I feel ... crushed. Like a can crumpled by air pressure because the air inside it has been just sucked out.

I'd love to blame it on something concrete and, of course, external. Maybe... environmental? It was, by LA standards, oppressively cold and damp today. Gonna be that way for a few days, getting worse next week. The cold has really slowed me down. I'm pretty much condemned to be at best 50% comfortable, at this point... my core runs hot, my legs run cold, so when it's cold outside, my core is comfortable but my legs are absolutely miserable. Earlier this year in the summer, it was 100 degrees outside, my core was really suffering but my legs were so happy. From their point of view, it was finally warm enough. How convenient, to be simultaneously heat- and cold-sensitive.

This week's issue of Carnival of MS Bloggers had a nice mix of poetry and annoyance. Part of the "acceptance" of MS that I'm still struggling with is going to have to deal with how, sometimes... scratch that, make that a LOT... it sucks. It really sucks. And before I begin to go anywhere on the "acceptance" journey, I need first to admit that it sucks.

Well, let's see how well it works...

This MS thing? It just frakking SUCKS. I'vc had it with the stupid pointless inconveniences, the diminution of my life because it is stripping me of things that I love doing, it is completely changing what I always thought of as "me" and yes, I knew that age would do that eventually but dammit, this is too soon. It makes me miserable, I don't give a s**t about the "blessings" it may or may not have brought me because it's completely farkeling up my life, I don't want it, and it just frakking SUCKS.

...

That's the first time I've ever said anything like that.

And I don't think that even scratches the surface.

I'm not sure I know how to explore this territory.

Which probably means... I should.