Some experiments, today. Trying to reset my circadian rhythm, among other things.
I did stay in bed until something like 10ish (part of the reason for that was being up for two, maybe three, hours in the middle of the night), but I permitted myself no daytime sleeping. My wife and I went to lunch, then the Avengers movie. I was a little afraid that I wasn't going to be able to deal with sitting up that long, but there were (fortunately) very few people there, so I was able to put my feet up in my transport-chair/walker, and was able to watch the movie in comfort. Huge difference, being able to sit truly comfortably.
Other discomforts presented themselves... I feel no hunger and (to compound that) I have next to no interest in eating much of anything; plus, after I eat whatever amount works out to "too much," I regret having eaten it... anything, really.
I still like drinking tea, I like moderately sweet Taiwanese tea. So, I'm getting hydrated easily. But fed? Frankly, I wonder what would happen if I only ate what I wanted to eat, when I wanted to eat it... which would certainly have nothing even vaguely to do with "normal" meal times or amounts.
So yeah, I still eat things because I think I'm supposed to and/or need to, but if I stopped, I don't think I'd really notice much. If anything.
My acupuncturist said he did something that should really help me to re-engage my heart. To find my passion, as Gordon Ramsay is very insistent about discovering in the chefs he tries to rescue. My herbalist says he keeps adding things specifically for various expressions of creativity and passion.
Well, nothing's working. Not that I can tell, at least.
So... what's the plan, then? I guess... do what I can and what I care about, even if I can't do much or care about less.
Acupuncturist said, "Do things that engage your heart." He said nothing about grandeur, scope. or immensity. Just do something that engages your heart.
A simple prescription... Do something. Something, anything... as long as it engages your heart.
Why is the first thing that comes to mind, That's too much to ask—I'm not going to be able to do anything?
Really, really, I don't need to "rehearse failure." Clearly the first thing that has to change is my consciousness. Yeah, I can't do much, but what I can do, I can do.
And how is that formula different in the non-M.S.-accessorized world?
It isn't. That's precisely what every single person can do... what they can.
Sometimes we laugh at "differently abled" versus "disabled," but that's absolutely true, isn't it? Aren't we all of us "differently" abled?
Well, that's it for the computer, tonight... I'm going to go outside, and sit, and listen.
And really, if living a life with M.S. is drawing me to sit quietly and listen... it's not that bad a life, is it?
And given the current state of affairs in the political "discussions" that abound today...
The ability to just sit and listen marks one immediately as "differently abled."