Fair/Unfair

Inescapable fatigue.

I woke up this morning with an idea for a Christmas-Eve brass and organ toccata. I sat down at the computer thinking that I'd start writing it.

I'm going to finish typing this and then go back to bed.

This whole "inescapable send-you-to-bed fatigue" thing is quite new, in my life-with-MS experience. I've had "tired days" (who doesn't?), I've had "time to go to bed" days (who doesn't?), but day after day after day after day of "go back to bed and sleep" is new. And not at all welcome.

I managed to leave the house with a friend of mine yesterday for a sushi dinner. I made it, I enjoyed it, but I was uncomfortable throughout (sitting the wrong way in the wrong chairs is painful) and never really left the world of "constant fatigue."

And, I've been up too long, just typing this. Back to bed I go. Maybe, maybe, I'll summon the strength to brush my teeth first. Maybe.

I'd feel better about being fatigued if I was actually expending energy. Well, maybe I am, somehow, but just don't notice it.

I never railed against simply having M.S. as "unfair." But this constant "need to go back to bed and maybe sleep but definitely don't actually do anything," that seems unfair.

But fairness has nothing to do with ... well, anything, really. As Marcus said in Babylon 5, "Just imagine how horrible it would be if the universe was fair."