Monday, April 6, 2009

Disregarding, not ignoring

I've been having more difficulties than I like recently, in walking. I'm still nowhere near needing to move to The Chair, but walking is just... well, it's getting really [bleep]ing wierd, and I'm not enjoying using my legs. At all.

This concept tends to come and go (possibly coming and going with the degree of difficulty and discomfort as that waxes and wanes over time), but it came back to me the other day: that there's actually nothing wrong with my legs, really. They're just misreporting their state. It's not that my legs are lying to me, that presumes a willful misrepresentation--just that what I'm feeling is not really, well, accurate.

Which, I'm guessing, is neurologically what is happening: the "electrical system" isn't relaying accurate data.

I can't just "ignore" what I'm feeling. Somehow, "just ignore it" always translates to "lie to yourself about how much it really bothers you," and now you've compounded the problem because whatever it was still bothers you, and you're also now fighting with yourself to deny the truth of both the experience and your relationship to it.

The word that came to me the other day was "disregard." Acknowledge what I'm feeling, but set it aside. It's quite "true" that I'm having the feelings, and the feelings "feel true," but they're not "accurate."

It's an interesting idea, and when I try to "expand my consciousness" to this new thinking, the mental process certainly feels very interesting, and I do notice that it does improve my walking.

But dang, it's weird. And difficult. And I haven't quite figured out how I feel about it, whether ("interesting" idea or not) it's a "good" idea.

Or, frankly, whether I have the strength to keep it up.

Or the choice not to keep it up.

Or whether I'm mired in another "doing/not doing" trap and the real answer still eludes me.

And when you're fighting fatigue as I am right now, such conundra are not at all welcome.


Stuff could always be worse said...

Keep on fighting, those nerves do find new paths sometimes. Love the name of your blog.

Robert Parker said...

Nervous system IS self-correcting, that's one thing we can feel good about. It doesn't do so particularly *rapidly,* but it does self-correct.

Something's eating away at our neural insulation; at the same time, our nervous systems are trying to rewire themselves to get around the damage. It's no wonder we're always tired, we're at constant war with ourselves.