Sometimes

I had a great talk with a great friend yesterday. I will not attempt to distill it here, beyond this: "Dude, it's time to get real about what your (i.e., my) current state really is."

Alas, my current state is not good.

I'm having an interesting meeting of "giving up" versus "owning the current truth," the difference between good discomfort and bad discomfort; as one Rolfer said of the changes in their treatment methods, "It has to hurt good."

An interesting metaphor... Yeah, it hurts, but it hurts good not bad, which makes it actually kind of enjoyable.

That, I can deal with.

My current state is that things don't hurt good. They just feel bad, the sort of thing that discomfort (especially pain)  is supposed to signal you that it's time to stop doing the hurt-causing thing.  Everybody understands this... Everybody has lived through some version of "I got sick when I ate that, so I don't eat that anymore."

Perhaps I'm just habituated to stay here, "on campus" (my house). Unwrapping why I find [long list of things] unpleasant doesn't tend to reveal ways to stop it. Transferring into a vehicle can be nasty scary, so I don't do it. Which means I don't engage the world. So, the easy answer is, deal with it, dude, unless you want to be imprisoned in your house. Well, I want to deal with neither.

Now that's a conundrum.

I return to my decades-old video-game metaphor... if it takes too many quarters to have fun, I stop putting in quarters. An example: There's a Taiwanese tea shop in town that I adore. They make tea like nobody makes tea. I truly love their tea and the people who work there.

Tea can make me go wicked diuretic, even at home; kidneys have no interest in my convenience. So, if bladder goes nuts and wants to be emptied, theres a significant to-do that needs doing, to sum it up, getting the nozzle into the nozzle.

You don't want a more "anatomical" picture. Trust me.

To sum it up, it's just no fun to do all the stuff necessary to leave the house and try to have fun.

So that's what's in front of me. Do what I can to work on music. Fiddle with computer stuff. Place orders for things that I can get shipped here and thus free my wife from [rumble rumble] having to go shopping. I'm willing to throw non-deliverables like pharmaceuticals (like thyroid pills) into her court, but things that I can get from places like Amazon, I will.

Well, it's not that productive, but...

You do what you can, with whatever you got. It doesn't always work, but it does sometimes.

"Sometimes" is sometimes all you got.