Saturday, November 3, 2012


Well, we nearly went down the "falling down" road again today, but this time, feet on a carpeted floor. Plenty of traction. Which is why almost falling was such a surprise. Yes, I was trying to close a skylight, and yes I had both hands on the crank-pole and neither hand on any support, but c'mon, I've been closing that skylight for freakin' years, and falling down hasn't happened yet. Yet. Well, whatever tomorrow may bring... not today.

Made it to two stores today, one to get a favorite breakfast cereal, one which also houses the closest pharmacy (time to pick up another set o' pills). Forgot to pick up something that has been on my shopping list for nearly two weeks, didn't realize that I'd forgotten to get it until I was on my way back to the car, all shopping already completed. Drat!

And something else raised itself to my awareness, as I was leaving the second store... Damn, do I move slowly. Really, really, really, slowly. I was hardly a sprinter inside grocery stores, but man, I used to be able to just plain walk at nearly race-walker speeds. It's no wonder it feels like it takes forever to do anything... all that time is spent just walking... slowly. So slowly.

Not encouraging. I don't think I'm actively "dis"couraged, but FRAK man, I move so frakkin' slow.

Something else I noticed today... I don't think I actually want to do anything any more. Anything. It's really a nadir of interest in living... I don't think it's an easily fixed acupuncture thing; sometimes I get really dark and depressed, and four needles later everything's just fine! But now, I have to prep a lecture (two weeks away), but I don't really care... I have a web site to set up to provide services for people I've always like helping, no motivation there... I have to clean up some music for a guy who wants to publish my work, I keep forgetting to do that and right now, I have no interest...

I just. Don't. F---ing. Care. At all. I'm not "depressed," that's not how I'd describe it, but even saying "unmotivated" suggests more gumption than I feel. Not UNmotivated, ANTImotivated.

I'm going to make myself a hot dog. Take tonight's herbs. That's about all I've got the gumption to do.

Well, I did manage to write a blog post. I guess that's something. I guess.

Thanks for listening.


Muffie said...

I snickered when I read about your slowness. Recently, I, too, became aware of that. I was with a friend and we were talking as we walked -- I with my walker, she unassisted. All of a sudden, I realized that she was several feet ahead of me. She paused, but we kept talking, so no comments were exchanged about my being such a snail. It's amazing when I suddenly become aware of symptom progression. When did THAT happen?
When you start feeling unmotivated, try doing just one small step of a project. Accomplishing something -- no matter how small -- can sometimes be a motivating influence.
Hang in there...

Robert Parker said...

Sometimes, I get into the mood of "Dammit, I'm GOING to do this!!!" even for something small. Might be important too, but on the "doability" scale, it's small.

Which is just fine.