I'm in the grocery store, about to get into one of those motorized "convenience carts" that some stores provide for folks like us. My left leg gave out on me (as it does more frequently than I like), but because there was one of those thick rubber mats (the kind the folks working the registers stand on) underneath one of my feet—it had been left, at an odd angle, almost underneath the convenience cart—it meant that I was standing on something not quite level, and having one leg go out while standing on a not-quite-level surface nearly sent me flying. Fortunately, I grabbed the cart in time (nearly pulling it along with me as I was falling) and managed to find some footing; so I didn't hit the ground, or my head, or anything.
But here's the cool part. The interesting part.
My reaction was not fear. Or panic. Or anger. Yeah, some adrenaline, of course, but when the stumbling/grabbing for support was over, all I was left with was ...
"Well, that was interesting."
Then a moment later, I thought, "That was nearly very interesting. Good thing it wasn't."
Most, if not all, of my reactions to neurological-short-circuit malfunctions have been quite dispassionate. "Oh well..." or "Huh." or "Well, I guess that ain't working." I don't get mad. I don't lash out—at anything. My nerves, the universe, God... anything.
Sometimes, I know it's denial. Sometimes... I think I actually just don't care. Wish it (whatever the "it" is) would stop malfunctioning? Wish it'd work the way it's supposed to? Actually, not even that. I just say... "Huh." Or at most, "That was interesting."
Is this calmness a gift of M.S.? Or am I missing something? Am I supposed to react differently? I don't think I'm supposed to get mad all the time, especially given the number of times I "trip over" (whether I trip physically or metaphorically) a neurological malfunction.
I don't know... But:
It is interesting.
2 comments:
Love your 'outside looking in' narrative....at some point we give up on being graceful I guess & simply marvel @ ourselves. I often laugh or try just try scare others.
Once during a convo w/a newly diagnosed ms'er @ a Walk MS event, I was addressing her concerns. About that time my son walked by, handing me a leash w/90 lbs. of our fun-loving Lab on the other end.
Normally quite calm so I didn't worry. Until I saw a little yapping pup eye-balling her. We stood on a slope, so I knew I was already @ a tilt to stay upright.
Sure enough, she and I went different directions, until that it, she won. That's when I saw the sheer fear in the new MSer's eyes. As my weight shifted & I lost my battle, all I could do was say as I sailed by her saying 'look out, I'm going down'.
We're stunt professionals. She'll get there too. Sounds like you might be ahead of me! Stay upright. Take care.
I wish that wave of calmness would come on over here!
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