Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The hardest gift

Lots of work at the school, as we're coming up to the home stretch to Opening Night for the Big Musical: It all comes down to this Thursday.

Took the Long Road to the weekly acupuncture/MD session. When freeways are actually "free," it's a little more than a half-hour's drive. Since the freeways are rarely free, it can take over an hour. Today, the freeway was most merciful: about 45 minutes. And as always, surprisingly fun and comfortable with the hand controls.

A good treatment: no really painful points, and quite poetic names; one of them, Stone Cold Abyss, sounds bad but is actually what you get when you're trying to get out of a cold abyss. And cold, I've definitely been. Very cold; I'm running two or three degrees below the ideal 98.6.

Stopped at the lighting-rental shop on the way to rehearsal, to pick up some gels. Had a wonderful time being a lighting nerd, talking about precisely which lavender was ideal for the application I wanted to put it to.

B-san (my bladder) has been both temperamental and merciful. On my way back from the doctor and the lighting shop, I had to pull over several times to use my handy-dandy Starbucks cup. I have no idea where all this excess liquid was coming from; back when I still had foot controls and could have free hands, I used to drink liters of water while driving but never had to stop that often. Now, so I can (with luck) avoid B-san's demands for relief, I assiduously do not drink for quite a while before driving, and make "paranoia stops" at the bathroom before starting any journey. Apparently, today, that didn't work. Fortunately, I was able to make it through each act of the show with only a planned bathroom break at intermission. I hope that good behavior continues... I really don't want to have to abandon the show to avoid leaking into my pants; the student who's sitting next to me at the board is good enough, she could probably keep the show going, but that's not the point. And if B-san's "kindness when it really counts" continues... life will be good.
I've felt very unhelpful for the mounting of this show... I can barely do anything besides advise, design, offer reassurance to students who need it, and call cues. None of those are inconsequential or unimportant... but I used to do so much more. Fortunately, others have been able to take up most of the slack, but it hurts when stuff doesn't get done in the right way or at the right time, and if I weren't M.S.-ified, I'd have done it myself.

Still haven't really said "goodbye" to everything that I used to do. And, I have to be honest with you: I very nearly typed "to everything that I once was" rather than "to everything that I used to do."

This is definitely one of the hardest gifts of M.S. The lesson: you need to let go, when you need to let go. To really let go. To fully let go. Because if you're stuck to it... life is really no fun.

No fun at all.

1 comment:

Muffie said...

I'm sure your moral support goes a lot farther than you think! Would you be able to return as a volunteer advisor next year? You love these performances so much, and even though you won't be employed there, perhaps they'd want your expertise.