Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Hope. Right... Now what?

I'm starting to think that there is no hope that anything is going to help me. I'm not thinking "cure," I'm thinking "ameliorate." To fight the symptoms of energetic, intellectual, creative, and spiritual depletion. Fix my walking? Don't care, really; I can always get a wheelchair. The "two cane" system's working well enough. But not being able to think, not having the energy to create, or even to enjoy the world... that's bad. That's very, very bad.

My acupuncturist can give me energetic first aid, but his treatments don't stick. Got treated yesterday, I'm back in the hole again.

Green tea used to give me energy, even temporarily. Now it doesn't.

Chocolate used to give me energy, even temporarily. Now it doesn't.

I don't have the clarity I used to have... although the clarity I do have, is abundantly, powerfully clear, so I guess that's a wash.

I don't have the creativity I used to have. But when I do get an idea, it's usually a very good one. Although all my good ideas are non-musical ones, which is OK when that's the kind of idea you want, but when you want a musical idea... and can't find any... that's bad.

I had such an unpleasant time of dealing with the chaos of the world, earlier today, that I padded around the house for about ten minutes debating whether to brave the world again... and decided not to.

I'm not at all in a state of despair... honestly, I'm not. "My life" is not over. I don't even begin to think about it in those terms.

But the life I used to have, the life I was accustomed to, the life in which I was so wonderfully comfortable... I was going to say "may be over," but I think the truth is far closer to "is over."

An old saying goes, "Before enlightenment: chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment: chop wood, carry water." Well, there ain't gonna be a lot of chopping or carrying, locomotion and balance being as they are... but I know what they mean.

And another old saying, from chado, the way of tea: Make the best cup of tea that you can. Not the best that can be made, not "the best that ever was made": the best cup of tea that you can.

Clearly, I need to receive the "tea-making" implements that life is currently handing me. Trying to hand me, if I would only open my hands, and my heart, to receive them.

What are said tea-making implements? What's the tea I'm supposed to make?

I don't know. I really, really, don't know.

But the answer does exist; I just don't apprehend it yet.


So there is hope, isn't there?

No comments: