Saturday, July 24, 2010

Good intentions; conundrum

They say the road to Hell is paved with them. Well, I don't know about that, but certainly, my surroundings are several feet deep in said paving stones.

Last night, I was awake. A lot. I was thinking about/processing/confronting all sorts of things, and at one point, I thought that said process might make an interesting blog posting--about confronting fear.

A nice idea. Don't have the gumption to do it, right now.

I thought I'd take the car out this morning. Mostly, just for a "can I still drive?" experiment, but also to handle an errand or two.

Walking into the room I'm sitting in now, I felt dizzy-ish. (I never feel dizzy, just "sort of" dizzy.) So I'm wondering whether the exposition is a bad idea, now.

I wanted to do the dishes this morning. See above, dizzy-ish. So those aren't getting done.

Frankly, I'm surprised I'm even able to do this.

The good news is, I'm not freaking out. I'm not obsessing about "Is my life just over? Will I ever be able to live the way I used to? Will I ever be able to just go to the store without wondering if it's a horrible idea to even try?" I imagine that it's pretty easy to go down those roads, into depression and panic. And I'm not going down them, I'm not really even tempted to go down them.

But I can't do things, or maybe I can; and I don't know whether I can or can't, should or shouldn't.

There was a book in the 70's, put out by Consumer's Union I believe, titled Licit and Illicit Drugs. Everything you wanted to know about the Fun Stuff, whether you were taking them or not. Anyway, they talked about driving under the influence, and said that on driving drunk, you thought you could drive, but you were wrong, you can't; but while stoned, you actually can drive, you just forget how. They suggested that it was actually possible (theoretically, they hardly recommended it) to learn how to drive stoned. But not drunk. In either case, don't try this at home.

This is my conundrum; perhaps I still can do things, but just think that I can't. Of course, from the subjective standpoint, thinking that you can't and being right and thinking that you can't and being wrong are identical.

One obvious avenue of experimentation would be to move from the subjective to the objective--think you can't do X? OK, try to do it, see whether you're right or wrong.

That's fine when you're behind a potter's wheel. Not fine when you're behind the driver's wheel.

So, try it, give up, or postpone dealing with it? As they said in Glorshon Wars... a conflict that demands your choice.

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