Saturday, June 5, 2010

The Muse

Now, I could go on for hours about MS's physical impact. The difficulties walking. The difficulties standing. The difficulties getting into a standing position. The difficulties driving--not because my control is bad, but because my proprioception and sensory perception are bad. Yesterday, I removed my foot from the gas pedal, and I felt the pedal still pushing up against my foot. Fortunately, when everything is said and done, I'm still in total control of the vehicle (I wouldn't drive at all unless that were true). But the weirdness and the uncomfortable, they really get to me.

And of course there are other difficulties that don't find their way into the blog. If you're an MS sufferer, you know what I mean. Our "special difficulties" are all different, but, they're all the same, aren't they?

But it's the sapping of energy that by far is the worst.

Marjorie Hass, in a lecture on creativity, once said, "You can't command the Muse. You can only create an attractive place for it to land."

Well, as far as Muse-landing places go... about the best I have to offer is Death Valley. And that's on a good day. Usually, and certainly right now, it's the Salton Sea.

You'd never think of my composition/recording studio as a "sacred space." More along the lines of "shit everywhere."

And I don't have the energy to resanctify it. Physically or spiritually.

About all I can do right now is sit in my chair and poke at things, from a distance, with a stick. I've got a little bit of scut work to do to close out the school year, some grades to submit, and thank goodness the only energy I need for that is the ability to sit in a chair and poke at it with a stick.

We'll see what changes, now that daily classroom teaching is over for the summer. Next week is exams, then commencement--My Big Show, I'm going to have to drag my ass over to an organ at least a few times next week just to remind myself of how to play the processional that I wrote... I'm also going to have to get music folders ready, and that I'm worried about because my grasp of detail right now is zero. Acupuncturing coming up on Tuesday, that usually makes things better for a while--maybe the "better" will last longer this time, without the daily drainage.

As my doctor constantly reminds me, it's always too early to say "never" when neurological issues are involved, because you Just Don't Know. "Now," however, although I don't worry about it, I can at least describe it. And, well, "now"... pretty much sucks. As Bart Simpson once said, it sucks and blows simultaneously.

It's a nice day outside, though. Fresh air. Happy birds. Pleasant warmth. Clear light. From that point of view, "now" is pretty wonderful.

I may not be able to change "now," but maybe I can shift worlds. Let's see how that one works.

1 comment: