Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Ease; difficulty

What a difference a day makes. The solstice was two days ago, and on that day, I felt my universe click from "nothing is possible" to "possibilities waiting to happen."

The solstice marked the transition to the Fire season, and the season is fanning my own internal Fire. Last week, I wondered whether I would ever be able to handle doing anything, ever again; especially in the creative realm. And then, on the solstice, I began to hear music again, music that wants to be written.

And damn it, I better start writing it, while it's still trying to get out.

And yet, just making it through today sapped a lot of energy. I'm finding myself especially "spoon-poor" nowadays, and very much so, today. I spent a few too many seconds in a half-crouch picking papers off the floor, and darned nearly couldn't straighten up to standing; just trying to do so nearly zapped my energy so much that I wasn't sure I could make it to physical therapy.

Just functioning in the world is using a lot of energy, and that's energy I'd rather spend writing music while I can. Because, Lord knows, I spent too many months early this year with no music in my soul at all, much less wanting to get out and get written down.

Walking around the farmer's market this evening was so difficult that I nearly gave up and walked back to the car and let my wife do the shopping herself. Except I wasn't sure that I even had enough energy to make it back to the car... I came as close as I've ever come to full-on giving up. And it was sheer cussedness that kept me going. I wasn't even pretending to use "the power of positive thinking," I was muttering "No chair. No chair. I'm not giving up and going for the chair." (Wheelchair, that is, of course.) Frankly, I was as maneuverable on foot as I would have been in the chair, and probably moved no faster than I would have, had I been in the chair. But damn it, I wasn't going to give up.

Once I got home and took my shoes off, navigating around the house was much easier (although standing remains no fun at all). I've heard rumors of some sort of semi-sock semi-slipper, maybe that'll be a good compromise between going shoeless and suffering.

I'm seeing some new medical types this summer, one of them tomorrow; we'll be trying some completely different paths. Nothing "normal," at least as far as the Western canon is concerned; but then again, I've always had really good results going the route less traveled.

One of the joys of being an out-lier; the road is always interesting.

And this MS road so far has been, if nothing else... interesting.

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