Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Better (?)

Well, the acupuncture issue wasn't precisely as I had self-diagnosed it, but it was a whopper anyway. But now it's fixed.

My doc & I are starting to wonder whether my MS is progressive, rather than relapsing/remitting. Especially since I seem neither to relapse nor remit. I'm not sure that means anything, really; I have what I have, I experience what I experience, changing its name changes nothing. Doc also gave me an article on some new oral MS drug, something to look at and talk about. If it's the one I think it might be, it's another one of those "helps kinda sorta some of the people, can't tell whether you'll be one of them, and yeah, it's $70 per pill, take two a day, for the rest of your life. Maybe." I don't know if I'm really at the "crapshoot" level of desperation yet...

I know I need to make some sort of major life change. But I don't know if side-effect-laden we're-not-really-sure-whether-this-will-help-you is the way to go, yet.

Let's try yoga first, I'm thinking.

I had my third nightmare about some sort of disaster occurring during my performance at commencement. This one was completely ridiculous (large floor-standing curtain-screens having been placed between the audience and the stage), but I keep getting these dreams. I'm sure they don't really "mean" anything, but more "weird" in my life, I don't need.

I'm still not wanting to drive; I didn't want to leave the house tonight even to go to a grocery store. I made it to work OK today, made it to a store OK today, even in my pre-acupuntured state; why I was so not into driving tonight, I don't know. I do know that I want a little more rest, after my needling today. I do know I need to play the organ tomorrow, and if possible both Thursday and Friday, to try to get the instrument under my fingers and get myself ready for Sunday.

But honestly, right now... I'm not looking forward to performing. Even though I love the instrument, I've always enjoyed playing it, and I've been doing this gig for ... oh wow. Thirty six years. And yet, somehow, I'm really dark about doing it, on some level I really just don't care any more. And yet I do care, very much... but on the surface... I don't care at all. And I know that's not right, and it's not me. At least, it's not the me that I've always known... is it time to fight? Is it time to give up?

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

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