Thursday, June 25, 2015

Where's the anger coming from

Some interesting discoveries about myself during my last acupuncturing... Not my Usual Guy, he's off doing Something, so I met a new care provider--who even treated me with a house call! Now, MS or not, when was the last time you had one of those?

But as I was telling her about my "MS experience" and how things were going now, she asked me about how well acupuncture was doing for me.

And that's when Anger came out. No, rage. I was under control enough to not actually roar and/or bellow, but I prefaced this by saying "There's no way I can express this loudly enough."

And then I looked her right in the eye, and said...

"Nothing helps. Nothing."

And yeah, I'm definitely pissed off. Definitely. I'm angrier than Lewis Black.
Nothing helps. Nothing.

The real question isn't "Why don't things help," but "What am I really mad at?" I'm not "mad at MS" or even "mad about MS" or "mad about having MS," it's that nothing works and all sorts of things that I have tried for all sorts of other reasons have been helped in very short order. I'm also hardly mad about "waiting for the cure" or "why isn't there a cure" or any of that sort of thing.

It's that I have been helped so often, so magically, so wonderfully, with so many other things. And now, here I am, and nothing helps.

Nothing. Helps. At all. And if anything does help with anything, it doesn't last. Ever.

(And to respond to the people who always told me "don't say can't," look... It's not about claiming ownership or difficulties or demanding that I stay disabled because I don't choose to look at it and express myself differently, but... You try driving this body around and tell me that I can when, in fact, I can't. Hello, bad wiring? Nerves that don't fire? Which will when I change the way I describe my experience of them? As I've often wanted to say, is it the "you" that you don't understand, or the "fuck" part?" How can I help you? Because you certainly ain't helping me, see above for the  "primary complaint," that nothing helps.)Yeah, my hands are cold even with gloves on, I'm not enjoying just sitting here and typing, I honestly don't know if I can deal with music stuff right now, and boy do I have plenty of it.

But as Jacob asked in Rick and Morty, "Where's the anger coming from?"
Well, that indeed is the question, isn't it?

Where's the anger coming from?


Muffie said...

I think it takes another MS person to totally understand. Non-MS people can't possibly understand, and frankly, I've stopped trying to explain. Anger? Oh, don't get me started!

Judy at Peace Be With You said...

Love the honesty.