Monday, November 21, 2011


Well, I wish I had something poetic and spiritual today, but it's symptoms.

I'm cold. Really cold. Even given that Southern California thinks that 60 is cold, when it gets into the 40's and 50's, it's well past "cold enough" for me, thank you very much.

Walking, still... vaguely... works. Sill very rare falling down, fortunately. But there are times when I am gearing up to stand up, or just sitting, when my legs have the same control that a ventriloquist dummy's have. Which is to say... nothing. Lots of flopping.

The security guy at the school where I work, a former Marine, has a spare key to my car, because he offered to drive it from the parking lot to the curb--so I wouldn't have to make the walk to the lot. Alas, today, I guess something came up, and he couldn't move the car for me and the car was still in the lot when I wanted to leave the school, so today, I had to make that walk myself.

Rough timing, from office door to car door, including time required to put walker/transport chair into the back of the truck: about 12 minutes. When crossing at the crosswalk, waiting for the signal, and stepping off the curb when the light turns green... I can't make it all the way across before the signal turns red.

So yes, person who asked me the other day whether I "needed" the electric wheelchair to get around campus... yes. Yes I do. Watch me make that walk from my office to cross the street to get to the handicap spot in the parking lot, and see if you really, really, want to ask that question again.

I was so exhausted from the day, and from that "walk," that I didn't go to the banks like I've been planning on dooing for more than a week. I've got checks burning a hole in my pocket, and I didn't have the strength to deposit them. That's expensive fatigue.

Was hoping to do some music work when I got home today. I was way too tired to do that. Maybe a little tomorrow... we'll see.

Still doing thinking about the major life change I'm contemplating. What I'm hearing from the universe is "Yes, do it," but the actual doing of it is gonna be scary.

Well, there's a gift of M.S. for you. It does present you with s--t you gotta deal with, doesn't it? And you practice dealing with it, because what else are you going to do?

Practice doesn't make perfect. Only perfect practice makes perfect.

And for all the practice the M.S. road has been giving me, in the "dealing with s--t you gotta deal with," somehow... it isn't getting any easier.

Looking at what all this "practice" has bought me... still, some things that I find hard are still hard, and things that I find easy have always been easy. The struggle against falling down, sometimes losing the struggle against falling down, bladder control issues... those are easy.

Now, facing, reducing, accepting, my own ego... that's hard.

I wonder what the Buddha would have done, had he had M.S.?

Probably about the same as what he did anyway, actually. Now, there's a lesson for us all. And especially, for me.

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