Monday, July 11, 2011

Two words

It's interesting, meeting "Well, I guess we can't do this, right now" face on. It has been coming at me in generalities, and those are so easy to deflect, to deny. Specificities, you can't hide from.

I have a quite lovely light in my studio. It is full of little lenses, and little 12-volt bulbs. It casts lovely light, and looks lovely as it casts the light.

Well, the cute little bulbs went the way of all flesh (of all "filaments," in this case), and they needed replacing. I'm tall enough to get on tiptoes and reach up and pull dead bulbs out of the fixture, but I'm not quite tall enough to do that and insert them. I need a step ladder. Not unreasonable tool to need, you'd think.

And it is (was) a very-easy-to-use step ladder. And I only needed to go up two steps.

I had no idea how hard that was going to be. I had to get a six-foot piece of bamboo (which I keep near the front door and occasionally use as a cane, outside) to act as a stabilizer for the mere going up and down. And one hand on the cane, one hand on the ceiling to steady myself, and that leaves one hand free to replace the bulb ... oh yeah. A little under-resourced, it would seem.

It took probably ten minutes to replace two of the eight bulbs. Then I had to go lay down for ten minutes--just sitting down wasn't enough. And now, simply walking to the kitchen to make tea, I can tell that I've really pushed my legs--and myself--a lot, today.

I don't think I'm going to try to replace the other burnouts. I'm going to have to ask for help; clearly, I'm going to need some help on this project. Fortunately, my helpers won't have to expend nearly as much energy as I did. (At least, I hope not.)

So, what feeling am a left with? Defeat? Actually, no... Embarrassment, because I have proven that I can't do things that I used to be able to do? Eh... maybe a little sorrow, but not embarrassment. But only a little. Dismay? That I can no longer control my environment, my home, my in-home workspace, the way I used to and that I had hoped to again? Well... maybe a little. But only a little. Determination? To overcome these limitations and succeed nonetheless? That I can tell you clearly... nope.

What do I feel? Two words: "Oh well."

I don't know everything there is to know about the paths to enlightenment; but I'm sure that those two words are not a mantra that'll get me there quicker. The Buddha saying "oh well" and me saying "oh well" are, I'm sure, different.

I am a wordsmith. I have a huge working vocabulary, and absolutely no fear of dictionaries. And "oh well" is the best I can come up with.

Some well of emotion is definitely not getting plumbed, here.


Mary K. Mennenga said...

Yes I too can relate to your post, I'm still slow at asking for help when I need it. I'm getting better at asking for it knowing a can use that energy for other things. Keeping a balance of what I need to do and want to do.

nicole said...

That's a great approach. I'm going to give it a try next time I feel defeat seeping in.