I thought I wasn't going to be able to get out of bed. I awoke around 8:30, feeling horribly sleep deprived/jet lagged. I stayed in bed at least an hour, trying (unsuccessfully) to get back to sleep and maybe recover enough to do anything.
I have no idea how, but I got up, drove myself to the high school where I work to pick up some stuff, ran into a colleague, drove both of us (I drove!) to a local Vietnamese restaurant where I ate an entire sandwich and a side-order of fries—much more than I usually eat, lunch, dinner, or any time. Didn't order it, but found out they had ginger rice pudding that was non-dairy (that's definitely on my list for later).
Drove us to the office-supply store to pick up some stuff, drove him back to the school, drove myself to two banks to clear some business, then drove myself to a pharmacy to pick up some stuff, then drove myself to Trader Joe's—well, it was on the way home, I'd have to drive right past it, I figured I might as well. Got my wife a yellow rose to adorn her work desk.
When I got home... I could barely walk. I can still barely walk. It's not so much that my muscles are tired, although they certainly are, but it feels more like my nerves are tired.
I have no idea how, or why, I was able to accomplish so much out in the world. But I did.
This whole walking thing... I don't like it, any more, I get really tired, really easily. I could, I suppose, move to full-on wheelchair-bound, but I'm positive that'd be even more inconvenient than being walker-bound, so I keep walking.
But I did a whole lot of walking today. But, somehow, I don't feel anything. Not "Hooray! I did it!" Not "Man, that was expensive. I don't know whether I want to do that again." It just... happened. I noticed the difficulty, I certainly noticed the cost. But I felt nothing. No triumph. No nothing.
Even when I was non-walkerbound, I would have felt at least a little "Well! I sure got a lot done today, didn't I?" elation. Now... nothing.
Was it because... in my pre-M.S. life, it would have been... normal? Unremarkable?
But it was remarkable. And I remark nothing.
I did get myself something to celebrate... a tiny treat, just because. Instead of indulging myself tonight, I think I'll just drink a lot of water; being able to walk to the water cooler is enough of a triumph, and enough of a celebration.
That I can still walk to the water cooler, even after walking so much that I can barely walk at all.
And that, I suppose, is enough of a triumph.