My ability to control my legs is deteriorating. My doctor says I'm not exercising enough. Fine, I won't argue with him... but the action of walking to the garage to look for something, then to walk up the four steps into the house and walk back to a chair, is very difficult. The brief work that I did yesterday, to go up two steps on a step ladder and replace two tiny light bulbs, cost me so much that I had to lie down for hours. And he wants me to exercise? What's that gonna cost?
And yet, I refuse to obtain a big-wheel push-yourself-around-with-your-arms wheelchair. Today my wife pushed me in my walker/transport chair from the car to the restaurant, but I walked myself to the restroom. No big "Dammit, I'm gonna do this myself" determination; just simple, quiet, "No, I'll do it."
I see my acupuncturist every week, on Tuesday. He restores and renews my energy. Briefly. At the moment, I'm doing OK; but I expect to have faded by this weekend... 'cause that's been my pattern for months. I'll be seeing my herbalist in a couple of weeks. He said, the last time I talked about my vague despair-like fog, "We never give up hope here. Take your herbs, stay squeaky clean on your diet, and keep hoping--that's all you have to do." Well, two out of three, I'm doing pretty well with...
I have energy now. I'm going to spend it on creativity instead of on schlepping, even to the small amount of schlepping I'm able to do. I still have ideas--and good ones. Drive, that's what I'm missing. And, I miss that drive, the unquenchable never-ending drive that used to be the sine-qua-non of my expressing-creativity lifestyle.
But, as the Zen saying goes: eat when you are hungry, sleep when you're tired. Well, I'm rarely hungry any more, and I become tired for no apparent reason all too easily.
But I just ate and I'm not tired--at the moment, at least. I have the energy to do something creative--for the moment, at least.
Perhaps there's a Zen saying buried in that, somewhere. If I figure it out, I'll pass it along.