Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Fire and change

An interesting turn on the road.

Something has changed. Don't know what. Something may have come unstuck. Don't know what, or how.

Rather than dive into an omphaloskeptic spiral, I'm just going to hold on and see where the ride takes me.

An interesting post on Tiny Buddha talks about the fear of leaving a secure job when the risk feels scary. No, I'm not thinking about how it applies to my employment... I'm thinking about how it applies to how I've been pretending (yes, let's be honest, pretending) to cope with the M.S. journey.

The way I've been traveling this road... has been wrong. I don't know exactly how, but... I haven't been suffering just from the physiological changes, but from the way I've been traveling the neurological highway.

And that has to change.

And I need to not be afraid to leave the comfort (Right. Comfort. Hah!) of the way I'm traveling the road.

I don't know how to do that, either. But seeking "doing" isn't the right road, either. I would have found that long ago.

But this is the Fire season. And I just got a very interesting treatment to my Fire element at the acupuncturist: metaphorically, it's sweeping the ashes out of the Fire so it can burn better.

I get that every summer. That's always made a big difference. We'll see where it takes me, this year.

Big entire-life changes that can't be made because they're just too big to change all at once in a single shot... can be made indirectly, by making small changes. Pushing the first domino, as it were.

I'm not exactly sure which is the first domino... but I'm sure, if I listen, it will call to me.

So this is where the neurological highway is taking me right now, with my panoply of ever-changing vexing corporeal malfunctions and all. As one character loudly proclaimed in the movie Andromeda Strain, "Hell of a way to run a hospital."


nicole said...

Haven't left a message in a minute, but I'm here with you.
I understand the need for something to change. My big change is starting classes at the local community college. I've always wanted to learn Spanish!

C Berglund said...

Robert - I follow your blog regularly and just want to let you know that I send you positive thoughts everyday, and can only hope that some of them get delivered. It must be incredibly difficult, but is so important to keep on hoping for the future, and doing that which you can for the present, and it seems that you are.