Thursday, February 17, 2011

That says it all, doesn't it?

So, what do I miss?

Walking? Walking with the power and freedom that I used to have? Yeah, kinda, but I'm dealing with it... Pretty well, I think. I still haven't figured out the "it takes how long to get places?"

Playing the organ? Well, opportunities had kinda dried up anyway, maybe it was time anyway to do something else... I don't know, though, and I don't know whether that still hurts and I'm just denying it, or I've just plain given up. I don't think I'm at full Zen-level "acceptance" yet.

Dietary changes imposed by my new herbalist? Well, I do like how it has lowered the degradation of the walking, but I miss salads. No dairy? Thank goodness I like Chinese and Japanese food so much, they're basically dairy-free, but I miss ice cream and such deserts... a little bit, not much. Although every once and a while I go through a "Dammit, I want a cookie!" moment. Dairy was actually the easiest thing to bid farewell to.

What I miss... is energy. Energy to care; energy to cause things to manifest; energy to be truly creative. I seem to have gotten myself into a "I don't have the energy to do things that would give me energy" loop. My doctor has pooh-pooh'ed that, and given me an energy generating exercise that requires almost no energy to perform. 'Course, I haven't done that yet... I had too much to do, and after I did the "to do" I immediately crashed.

That's what I miss about being on the MS road. Energy. Joie de vivre. And yet, so many other things have actually improved--attitude, perception, sensitivity, compassion.

Is my challenge not to see what I have as "less," but to see what I have as "different?"

I'd have to say... Yes. No. Don't know. Each of those answers, and none of those answers.

I guess that says it all, doesn't it?

No comments: