Monday, March 8, 2010

Introspection; compassion

A very, very, very internally focussed day.

Started off with a meeting with a couple of vendors, one of whom we will be choosing to help us with a Very Big Project. (Details are unimportant, and have been omitted to speed up the narrative.) Suffice it to say that as far as this Very Big Project goes, I know more about pretty much everything than does any other single person at the institution.

Somehow, I'm not in charge of the project, nor is my input significantly sought after.

Given my energy level and ability to deal with being asked to multitask (the ability to do which has been especially sapped by The Disease), it's definitely a blessing not to have been put in charge. But I'm struggling with not being invited into the decision-making process. Yeah, I was at a meeting today, but there's follow-ups being done and other people are doing them and I wasn't asked to be a part of them because the other people are, well, they're taking care of them, and yadda yadda yadda.

If there's one thing MS has amplified--and believe me, it's amplified as much as it has confused--it's introspection.

There are a lot of "bottom lines" here, but one of them is that I'm realizing that I need to let people process their own processes. On their own terms. And to fail, if that be their fate; or their choice, even if they don't know yet that failure is what they've chosen. And, even assuming for the sake of argument that I'm "right" about how to approach the Very Big Problem, if people can't tell the difference between "right" and "not right," it's not my task to forcibly enlighten them.

I am not responsible for other people's enlightenment. And sometimes, letting them crash and burn may be what they need. I may be hindering their process by trying to save them from the fate they don't know yet that they have chosen.

There was a saying in the Science of Mind church: "I bless you and release you to your good." Blessing them is easy, even if you're mad at them, but somehow, releasing them... I've just been unable to release people to the care of their own good.

This is what is calling to me, here and now, tonight. And in freeing them, I free myself.

Oh yeah, also today, my right leg got scary cold. Dead cold. Driving and walking on it were especially weird. I've been sending it waves of love and compassion as I was walking today, waves of "I know it's hard. But we're going to do it together."

A day that calls for compassion for myself, and for others--the doing of which will express as compassion for myself as well.

Pretty intense, for just one day.

No comments: