Friday, December 4, 2009


A quietly rocky week; a lovely week.

Double blocks at the acupuncturist... seems that I'm back on the block-a-week plan. Currently, the multiple-simultaneous-blocks-a-week plan. This suggests that I may be "stuck" somewhere (no acupuncture puns intended) in my internal process; and a particular challenge for me, the path out of this state requires me not to look for "the solution," but simply to get out of the way of whatever it is that is trying to present itself to me but that I'm not seeing.

A bad night last night. Very cold by LA standards (low 40s), I got into my truck after church-choir rehearsal to drive home, and... I couldn't find the pedals. Imagine the "oh crap, where did I leave my keys" scramble, except involving your feet, and the pedals that operate the vehicle. And your wife is out of town, so no easy phone call to get a ride home... and then, terror. Nasty terror. Fortunately, I mastered both the terror and the pedals, once the truck heater kicked in my feet became much more cooperative, and I made it home without incident. No near misses or anything, quite an uneventful--to an external observer--ride home. But still... a lot of profound, and quiet, terror.

MS has definitely changed my "dealing with the world" process, on a far more profound level than just "I need a cane." I've never been a multitasker, if you want your best out of me you need to give me one task, clear direction, and then leave me alone. It has always been that way. But now, "dealing with all sorts of crap" is particularly difficult, and I really can't deal at all with chaos. But cutting to the core of the problem at hand and finding the simplest, most appropriate solution... I've always been good at that, but right now, that has become one of my major strengths. We faced some problems in the play we're about to open at the school, and just this week I found some low-effort low-complexity solutions that turned out to be better solutions to the ones we had originally been planning.

The "calmly cut to the chase" approach does make it hard to interface with people who are running in circles and yammering about whatever bug has currently infested their bonnet, and it's very hard to explain to people that they don't need to be as wound up about things. A very hard conversation to have is "You don't understand. Orbital mechanics presents deadlines. This is a preference." But generally speaking, I don't get as wigged out as I used to... about pretty much anything. I still backslide into dark and vindictive places from time to time (a symptom or a cause of blocks? maybe both...) But in any case,"calm" is certainly a much nicer state to live in than "outrage" or "apprehension," two of my favorite pre-diagnosis dwellings.

And that is definitely a gift of MS.

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