Disengagement

Well, here it is. New Year's Eve. Easily, and for as long as I can remember it, the "holiday" that I have always cared least about. I never had much interest in parties and I have even less now, TV is crap for the next couple of days (although the Japanese New Year's TV can be interesting), everything is closed, during New Year's Eve itself the world seems to have a six-drink minimum so best you should keep yourself far away from the road. And, if you live in Pasadena as I do, you want to stay far away from the Parade Route tonight and the Rose Bowl tomorrow.

But that's not why I'm here tonight.

Looking at my behavior for the last few weeks, I'm really disengaging from the world, even in my own house. I used to drive a hundred miles in one day at the drop of a hat; now, it's a very big deal to get me into the car at all, I ask my wife to do the driving to my weekly doctor's appointment (when she's available). There's a New Year's Thing in Little Tokyo this Sunday, Kotohajime, easily the nicest New Year's event in all of Southern California, and I'm on the edge of seriously considering telling my wife to go ahead without me, I'll just stay in bed.

I've been staying in bed a lot recently for the past week. And really enjoying it... as much as I enjoy anything. I have been sleeping a lot during the day; I've been needing napping for a while now, but I'm doing a lot of day sleeping. It's gonna be quite the shift come time to go back to work on Monday the fourth.

I got through part of a piece they asked me to write for the high-school choir for a Lenten service, but it's been stuck at "non-starter" for the whole vacation. I tried to sit down at it the other day, but nothing came of it.

Wouldn't you know, it's one of the penetential psalms: "Out of the depths have I cried to thee, O Lord."

I suppose I should find it comforting: "I wait for the Lord, my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope."

But, it would seem, my soul might very well be waiting for the Lord, but it's gonna do it from a horizontal position, in the bed, under the blankets... because, frankly, it doesn't have enough energy to do more than that.

Somehow, I feel that if I were in dark depression, this would be easier to fix, because at least then there'd be something to "push against." I'm not depressed--at least, I don't think I am. I'm not sad, bleak, down in the dumps, or anything like that. I'm just not interested in doing anything besides lying under the blankets. I used to like sitting in my recliner... now, I'd rather be in bed. And, frankly, asleep.

Walking is quite unsteady, that's been an ongoing increasing problem, but it has gotten a lot worse since the weather turned so cold. Somehow, I don't mind that... walking funny/badly, somehow that's really not a big deal. I haven't tried to play the organ again, for a while... that's something I'd better start doing, because I'm gonna have to do it in June and going from a "standing start" both from a place of "out of practice" and neurological damage, I know I'm not going to want to deal with.

But not today, new year's eve. I'm going to lie down in the bed. Under the blanket.

But happy new year to you, dear reader. As Tiny Tim said, God bless us: every one.