Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The beauty of the blanket

Yesterday, I had what was possibly one of my most wonderful kyudo lessons ever, a private session with Rick-shishou. Some good conversation, some good shooting, some new paths opened for exploration.

A visit to the acupuncturist today. Got unblocked and another couple of points that I've been getting weekly, plus a few others. The points all have interesting poetic names, and one of the more interesting names (especially in my current context) from this week's points is "Great Mound," so called because it's supposed to be a rise upon which you can stand and get perspective.

Which, frankly, I could certainly use. (Then again, who couldn't?)

I've been really enjoying lying in my bed under the blanket. I do it as often as I can. I used to be happy just to sit in my comfy chair; now, I want the bed and the blanket. The blanket in the chair... not good enough. Maybe it's just winter's cold, although the house is certainly heated comfortably. I can tell that it's "energetically" cold when I start craving longer hot showers. A couple of years ago, I made it through the winter by visiting the local pool (built to house the LA Olympics a few years ago, so it's a great facility) and sitting in the hot tub for an hour or so. That'd probably be good for me again, this year... if I only had the energy to do it.

Walking deteriorating (which it is), that I can tolerate. Herbs changing the way I sense the data corruption in my legs (very interesting and quite strange), that I can tolerate. This perpetual "lack of energy" that' so hard to describe... it's not fatigue, but it is a real degeneration of my joie de vivre, and although I'm not depressed, pretty much all I want to do is lie under the blanket and be warm.

In some ways, it'd be easier if the tiredness (? or whatever it actually is) were clearly intolerable, because at least I'd be somewhere on the continuum of "caring." As it is, I pretty much don't care about anything. That's not 100% true, I did get myself out of the house to buy stuff for breakfast and some of the things my wife likes to have for new year's, I did bake a couple of quiches for tomorrow's "Christmas" dinner with my folks and even did all the dishes, so I guess I do care enough to at least participate somewhat in the process of sociability and living.

Is "caring" now one of those states, like "walking" and "feeling my right leg," something that now has a new meaning that I have to learn about, a change that I have to accept? The same for "having enough energy to enjoy doing things?"

I certainly hope not. I can deal with not being able to walk, but I really don't want to not be able to care.

It'd really bum me out. At least, it would... if I cared. Which I... sort of ... do. I think.

Great. "Sort of." Here we go again. Still.

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