Friday, September 11, 2009

Moving forward...

Excellent treatment, earlier this week. A Fire "horary:" the usual metaphor is that it sweeps the ashes out of the fire, so it can burn better. That, it did. I felt massively better before I even got off the table, and even though I still have a bit of "walking through mercury" on a somatic level, I don't feel like I'm pushing my soul through the mud. A very, very nice change.

Today was my first even-close-to-normal workday that I've had in months. Got there nine something, spent the day either there or at an entirely enjoyable lunch with co-workers, got home at just about five, completely drained but in much better shape than I feared I'd be. A bit of xeroxing, I forgot to do and still need to take care of, but I did get some of the niggly details taken care of (seating charts, that sort of thing) and I'm pretty much as set as I think I'm going to be for the Big Start Of School next Tuesday.

And I've got another acupuncture treatment Monday, just in case.

Sometimes, I actually think I'm going to make it.

The most interesting thing about today was my lunch conversation with my tech team. I'm quite privileged to work with such incredibly nice people... they're smart, funny, amazingly competent, and we all really enjoy what we do and doing it with the team. Quite a blessing, really. We were talking about Things at Work, and about some of the challenges/annoyances we deal with, especially a person or two who's well intentioned but whose contributions Aren't Really Helping... and no, it wasn't a trash-talk session, or anything like that, but I really noticed my own mental/spiritual process as we were talking about the problem people and the real problems that they cause, and my relationship to the situation, and... I didn't like it. I felt small-minded and small-souled, I felt my consciousness-level lowering and darkening in response to the people, the effects they're causing, and my reactions to those effects.

And, you know, with MS, I've got enough problems, without diving enthusiastically into spiritual darkness. MS is a disease of "againstness," and I don't need to be gearing myself up with additional againstness towards people for whose enlightenment (or lack thereof) I am not responsible. Sitting here typing about it, I can say "Their level is their level and that's where they are, and I don't have to join them there," and with a clean spirit I can say as we were told in the Science of Mind church to say to people you couldn't help, "I bless you and release you to your good," but it's going to be a journey to release my habituated anger and combativeness against these people and these situations--especially because I know that my anger at them is the sum of many such angers against similar people and similar situations in the past.

It's been a while since I've actually been able to see a gift of MS, but one of them may very well be to confront you with the urgency of breaking the habit of small-spiritedness. One of the first things MS confronts you with is that you really do only have "so much energy" (something I seem to need to be retaught and to relearn more often than I should), and therefore you need to choose wisely and spend it only on important things. And if I've only got so much energy, and need to choose between pouring that energy into resentment or into forgiveness and acceptance, I should probably choose ...



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