Tuesday, September 8, 2009


I successfully confronted, and conquered, a significant musical composition project; the first, and the only, of the summer. Took longer than I liked; it was often just plain hard to sit down at the keyboard and hammer it out, and it really didn't want to be written, for most of the summer. But I did it, and I shipped it.

I am being confronted by a new project. I have a new CD project that I'd like to get out the door, very quickly. And probably could, if I could get it started; most of the stuff is already in the can. Couldn't bring myself to sit at the keyboard to get it started. I'm turning my face away from this one, right now; I like to tell myself that "I'm just not doing it tonight," but I wonder how long that'll be true. MS weakness and wobbliness, mental puffiness/rubberiness/bloatedness, the same thing that held me down through the composition project, is in the way.

I can't bring myself to confront the medical receipts that need to be sent in (not that it'll do me much, if any, good, considering that my insurance company doesn't really pay for anything anymore). Just involves sitting down, printing out forms and envelopes, folding and stuffing. Why can't I get myself into the office to do that? Well, the first answer is that it may be some sort of MS thing, I've got the "walking through mercury" leg thing going again, I've got the "let's not sleep anymore" thing going again, I've got the "simultaneously cold/hot/dry/sticky" thing going again, and pretty much all I've got energy for is lying down on the bed and staring at Internet news sites, but since I'm doing my best not to read stories that are simply about what people "say" rather than what actually "happened" or that someone "did," I don't do a lot of reading...

Meetings for school start tomorrow. I was at school successfully today, I interacted with people successfully today, I enjoyed being with the people I interacted with. I imagine I'll survive tomorrow reasonably enough, but... I'd rather just be lying in bed, not really reading anything. Sleeping: that'd be nice. Hasn't been going on a lot, recently... pretty much "not at all," it's no wonder I'm mentally out to lunch.

The way I'm disconnected from everything, I think I'm energetically blocked, I'll see if I can get to my Reserve Acupuncturist in the next day or two, but... that's another story.

Big "confrontation" of last week was during yoga class. We had been working with an Iyengar person, and I had enjoyed--truly enjoyed--yoga for the first time. The new person is very nice, very competent, very caring, but she does Ansara (I think) and it's much more of a "yang" style, and I'm back to my usual "why I don't like yoga" state: It makes me angry. Furious, really. I get into a position, and... I get angry.

Now, yes, I know, there's some sort of emotional something-or-other that's locked up in my legs, and the way to release it is to work it, and I'm not going to release it until I confront it and yadda yadda yadda and YES, I know all that. Whether I "need" to work through this or not, taking an hour out of my day every week to sit somewhere and get furious, and sit in this position where I'm furious and uncomfortable, and not have any real way to release the fury so basically all I do is stew in it... this, to me, does not seem therapeutic. For me or the teacher... we did some position, and she smiles and looks expectantly at us, and very sunnily says "How do you feel?" And I say, "Angry."

Iyengar never made me feel anything but wonderful. Ever. Ansara made me furious instantly. I know the difference between "I can't do this yet" frustration (which is to be expected with any new physical endeavor, and which I don't have any real problem with working through) and "I can't even get started doing this" fury, and I go immediately into the latter.

My doctor's out of town, this is #1 on my "talk with my doctor" list for our next appointment. And I've been thinking this week a lot, a lot, about what it means to "really live with MS." Clearly, I am so not there yet.

Anyway, all this talk of confrontation and fury... I wanted to leave you with something integrational, soothing; something quite lovely about "your people" from Rands in Repose.


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