Friday, June 26, 2009

Stoned (sort of). Or not (sort of).

Go down any list of effects of America's favorite party herb cannabis sativa, and you'll see things like
  • Fatigue
  • Reduced ability to perform tasks that require concentration, such as driving a car
  • Lack of motivation
  • Poor coordination
I have all of those. I would feel better about them if I actually had been getting stoned. At least it would be my fault that I was suffering from all the above. And more importantly, if I would just quit smoking it I'd go back to normal. Or at the very least, I might have a bit of the "fun" part of being stoned, rather than simply the "inconvenienced/burnt out" part.

I'm living in a very uncomfortable state of "in-between-ness." I'm a little dizzy (sort of) when I stand, I'm a little foggy (sort of) when I try to think. I'm feeling "sort of" too tired to do anything, and "sort of" too anxious from doing nothing to unashamedly rest. I have a lot of stuff I want to do in my studio but I don't really have the drive to do it (sort of), but I'm only sort of unhappy that I'm not doing it. Although I'm definitely well into unhappy, just not unhappy enough to press through the "sort of" fatigue and do something.

I don't know which way to go--push on and suffer the fatigue, or assume the fatigue is telling me something important, and honor it and rest.

So much of my experience with MS has been "bad data." I'm not really sure which of my sensations I need to (or even can) believe. Imagine your confusion if you did not know whether you were stoned or not, simply because the sensations were unclear and confusing, and you Just. Couldn't. Tell. If you can actually imagine that... welcome to my world. 

Combatting the fatigue pharmaceutically... well, it was worth a try, I suppose. I was getting some good results from powdered green-tea lattes (expensive but yummy), but I was concerned that they made me too jumpy. My doctor suggested a new stimulant: Chocolate. Just popped a piece (quite nice, with blueberries), we'll see if that does any good. Results so far: Maybe. (Different kind of boost from the green-tea latte, I can already tell that it has different associated/side effects that I also don't really like.) One Hollywood orchestrator said that his favorite anti-fatigue drink was carrot and spinach juice... that's the next thing on my list to try.

Also had some blood work done yesterday, checking for a couple of non-MS things that the family has a history of, some of which might also account for fatigue. And the best phlebotomist in all Christendom, really quite a wonderful person and wonderful technician. You gotta have blood drawn, you want her to do it. She told me that she had actually drawn blood on herself once, when she needed some work done; her colleagues asked her why, and she said "Because if I do it, I know it won't hurt." And she'd be right, too.

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