Monday, June 29, 2009

Bad combination

I quite literally just got back from attempting to practice the organ. I say "attempting" quite advisedly...

"Out of practice" and "neurological non-cooperation" is a very, very, bad combination.

Being out of practice, I can deal with. Being rusty, I can deal with. Needing to get my chops back, I can deal with.

My legs not wanting to work the way I'm trying to make them work... I'm not so sure whether I'm dealing with that.

Now yes, the organ console I'm using (it's the one I have access to and it's the one I have to perform on next Sunday morning, that's why I'm using it rather than something else) is an ergonomic nightmare. The keys on the pedal board are not proportioned correctly, the whole console's not even vaguely close to AGO (American Guild of Organists) standards, and its proportions in general are pretty weird, and certainly none of that helps even a little bit... but earlier this month I played on a much-closer-to-standard-proportion console and had many of the same problems, so the screwiness of the console only goes so far as a cause for my difficulties.

But what I'm really not processing properly yet... is this: I am neither filled with resolve that "I am not ending my organ playing days now, on that instrument, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to get at least functional organ technique back" or resignation that "Well, it was going to end eventually, maybe it's... now?" It's not indecision. I know it's not indifference, I feel too crappy/strange/unsettled to call it "indifference." But I'm somewhere... in between resolve and resignation.

Loss. Or maybe not all the way to "loss," at least not yet. And unwillingness to embrace either rejection or acceptance.

A bad combination.

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