Friday, June 19, 2009


A respite from my usual blogorrhea about Acupuncture Stuff.

I was having a date with my wife tonight--a prescription from our doctor, that we must have a date at least once a week--and this one was just wonderful, an entirely-too-extravagant trip to a local sushi bar that was Absolutely Fantastic.

She and I were talking about how we feel ourselves to be both in a state of flux; in a word, "becoming." Becoming what, neither of us know. (That would make it too easy, wouldn't it?)

I'm having a real drive towards profundity. I want to do something that is deep. It's not about whether it sells, or whether lots of people experience it, or anything like that. But I want it to have power. And I want to do this both with music and magic.

Two things stand in my way: One, the amount of work that It, whatever It is, is going to take, and it's gonna require a lot of dedication and slogging, I'm sure--which I don't mind in the least, but it's Stuff To Do. But also, I'm mired in some sort of fog of Sh-t I Gotta Do. I've been promising myself for at least two years now at least a partial remodel of the studio. There's a desk in the studio (back when it was an office) that's never been of any real use to anyone and has only been a catch-all for crap, that I want gone, and replaced with the 88-key piano synth so I can take that off the desk that's too high for it and put monitors on that, and build new stands for a new 2-octave data-entry keyboard and a separate number pad and mouse pad, something that's ergonomically delightful rather than ergonomically damned... add more sound-absorbing materials so I can do better mastering (or at least closer to decent mastering)... all sorts of things to make it a work space that supports my work, rather than one whose "ergonomics" create a "lifetime employment system" for my chiropractor and body workers. And oh yeah, I've got crap to do for work, stuff that my herbalist describes as "send the monkey up the tree."

I haven't written a single f---ing note of music for more than a month. Yes, I was sick a week (see earlier under "treatment reaction") but most of my life has been spent in a fog of bullshit; I describe days like these as "I had so much to do, I got absolutely nothing done."

Compounding this is, of course, you guessed it, the MS. The "fog of fatigue" that intrudes itself into absolutely everything. As I've said before, most of the time I honestly don't know whether I should push through the fatigue or honor it, it is really, really hard to tell.

I realized one day last week that what's making walking difficult is simply "bad data." I don't know what sensations to listen to, what to ignore, and what to acknowledge but disregard. As I'm writing this now, I wonder if that may not be essentially what's going on with the fatigue; I don't know what "tired" signals are really true, what are sort of true, and what are flat-out wrong.

I used to be able to summon the firestorm, a flaming tornado of energy that would enable me to just sweep through whatever it was that needed doing and get it done. Not any more. And I also haven't quite figured out how to work around that particular loss of ability, either.

Somehow, I think that I'm not asking the right questions yet, and that's why I haven't found the right answers. There is an answer. There has to be.

And the one thing I'm definitely sure of... I am really tired of not knowing how the #@(*#@$ to address this problem. Much less how to solve it.

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