Thursday, December 19, 2013

An interesting question, as I look back at my own internal processes. Which is setting off more interesting questions.

A friend tells me about things that are going on at the place I used to work. I get interesting reactions to hearing the news… For example, "You're doing WHAT?!?!? You could have something significantly better and instead you want WHAT?!?!?" And also, at the same time, a quieter version: "Oh really. You're doing THAT. You could have anything, can you chose THAT. Fine… damn, I sure got out of there in time, having to deal with that would kill me."

Another question percolates to the top: "And the reason that I care about this is…?"

But as various people have told me, I gotta stop paying attention to The Coconut (insert the wooden sound of me knocking on my own forehead), it's not about what It thinks. It's about the heart--no, the Heart, the Emperor of all the officials--and how it feels.

So it's very much supposed to be a "how do I feel" question, not a "what do I think" question.

And what I feel is actually quite interesting..."interesting," being I guess, an "intellect" word not a "feeling" word, so I guess I'm still very much imprisoned by my preference for The Coconut. But thinking about things, I've rehearsed for way too many years, being honest about feelings, apparently I haven't practiced that enough. At all…? Yes, at all.

This was a huge source of dissent between myself and The Enterprise, the faceless, nameless Monster That Never Breathes that actually runs the day-to-day of the organization. I can give you a choice that'll solve all sorts of problems, I say to myself. "Yeah, but we want our option," The Enterprise says. Well, that'll make you happy, but it'll mess up everyone else and cause all sorts of problems and make all sorts of people do all sorts of extra and pointless work, so it's actually a very poor solution. "Yeah, but it's our option, that's the one we like," The Enterprise seems to say.

Tell me what you want to have happen and leave the method to me, which I understand better and which better understanding is why you hired me. "Nah," says The Enterprise, "We know what we want. Our way."

The last word of the Coconut: Well, it seems that only one of us can be happy. Me, or The Enterprise. Do I care whether I'm going to suffer? Or the people I was trying to protect? Hell yes. Do I care if The Enterprise is going to suffer? No. Not even a little bit. The Enterprise isn't a person. The people who regard themselves as The Enterprise, I don't care about either, because whatever they ask for, They won't have to suffer through. So yeah, I suffer a lot, other actual humans are going to suffer (whose suffering it'll fall on my head to address), and them I care about. But The Enterprise and it's pseudo-sufferings? If they're not going to translate into real experiences of real humans… no, I don't give a @$@#$ what The Enterprise feels.

Which doesn't have a lot of Heart in it, does it? "I really don't give a s--t about what The Enterprise thinks is going to befall it, especially because it in truth won't happen," doesn't really fall under the category of "tell the truth with love."

So, what do I feel?

I feel dissed. All that work I did on [fill in the blank] for [do the math] that many years, and there were quite a few of both, just doesn't matter. It's the same problem: I showed you how to do it in a way that solves problems. You don't care. You want a way that creates problems. That creates poor solutions. And not just "dissed"… I resent it. I resent being told (or so I think, at least) that what I did wasn't good. It's not worth repeating or building upon. We have a better idea (I hear that being said). Your ideas, no good. Our ideas, better.

Yeah, well, as may be, but I've been doing this stuff for decades and you've been doing it for… never? But you know more than me, it seems, even though you have zero experience in the consequences of your choices.

Yup. I'm angry. Very angry.

So, there's an immediate project. Let go of the Coconut. Embrace the heart. Tell the truth; especially the truth about The Emperor, the Heart.

Do I need to care? As far as it involves engaging the Heart, yeah, but let's start with telling the truth about how I feel.

One thing at a time… Well, there ain't nothing to be done for my neurological issues, but creating problems by clinging to the Coconut rather than embracing the Heart? That, I can fix.

If I choose to...

It's so easy. And so hard.

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