Sunday, August 11, 2013

Looming shadows; "later enough"

Dealing with the changing phenomena of "I don't wanna deal" versus "I can't deal" versus "I give up."

Typical issue: Toaster muffins. I just had the last one. I used to do cereal for breakfasts, but my tummy is becoming less cooperative with anything colder than "room temperature," so the almond milk we keep in the refrigerator is uncomfortably cold, sometimes. Often. Regularly, alas. So, we're gonna need more toaster waffles, right?

The store that is within walking distance of my house, for those who unlike me can still do such things, has them. The parking lot is in an uproar because there's some major construction on the lot, and the places that used to be really really easy for me to get into and out of, wheelchair and all, are no longer available. The last time I went there, it was a thoroughly unpleasant experience, because of the people driving kookily around the construction, and the slope of the parking lot (me + wheelchair + slope = danger) made getting myself & my chair into and out of my truck next to impossible. So I don't go there any more... my wife does, but I don't. Definitely fits into "I can't."

There are other stores that are much more possible for me to deal with. But I have to get out of the house and into the truck just to leave the house, and when I get to the store I have to get out of and back into the truck, and then upon arrival home I have to get up the steps and back into the house. Which is hard. Every time I try it, or anything even remotely like it, it's harder. Sometimes, it's actually quite doable! Sometimes, it's next to impossible.

Weeks ago, it was easy for me to get into the "dammit, I am gonna do this" mental space. But I think I'm floating between "I don't care" and "I give up" for such formerly simple things as drive to the Taiwanese tea place and get a yummy snack/lunch/tea/whatever.

Yesterday, I left the house to talk to the guys who are quite excellently doing some backyard work. Just to see what was going on, how they were doing, check on a couple of things, and to just plain say hello to the guy in charge (a friend from kyudo). That was huge. It took a lot out of me, just being in a different chair, and getting to the different chair, and just Dealing with everything. Energetically, hugely expensive.

I don't know whether I'll be able to muster the energy to do that again. I'm hoping that I'm in a acupuncture-addressable energetic nadir (I'm seeing My Guy tomorrow), but it's one thing to think of yourself as living in the world of "let's just see how we're doing" and  to actually be living in"I don't know whether I'll be able to do that again. Ever."

I got up. Made myself some tea: houjicha today, a Japanese roasted green. I wrote this blog thingy. I had a quick flash of "I really need to work on this particular music"... we'll see how we're doing.

But there is definitely a shadow of "I don't know whether I'll ever be able to finish this" hovering over the composition studio... the composition thing.

Darkness creates light. That, at least, is something I don't need to worry about causing to happen.

But I'll sure be happy when it does.

And an update... shortly after I wrote the above, I loaded my music-writing software. Looked at all the stuff I have already written, and the space where the empty staves are waiting for more music to be put there.

And I stare at it, and... close it. Have I "given up"? In the big picture, I sure as hell hope not... but for now, for this particular moment, I'm going to shut this off, have my medicinal herbs, and go back to bed. Even sitting at the machine and doing this costs too much, energetically.

How long will I stay in bed? Who can say? But, soon enough, or later enough, I'll find out.

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