A day of quiet confrontation. Sometimes, resulting in a coming to peace. Sometimes, resulting in... a quiet "hmm...." and more thoughtfulness, and quieter confrontation.
Confrontation with "the way it is, right now." I took something like an hour and a half to do dishes. Put a set into the sink to soak. Sit down. When I could stand up, I'd do some dishes, until I either came to a clear "break point" in the process, or it was clearly becoming unwise to keep standing. Repeat, again, and again, and again.
Adding to the comedy of the ballet was what I had left on the TV as something to keep me company. In the past I've enjoyed the Food Network, which seems to have become the 24-hour "Triple-D" channel ("Triple-D" is what the host calls his show). For me, it's "D for Dairy," and "triple" doesn't even begin to cover it. As someone who has been told by his healthcare providers to never, and boy does he mean never, have dairy in any form, never ever, I notice immediately that nearly 100% of the dishes have not only triple dairy (three kinds), but sometimes five, sometimes eight, different forms of dairy products.
Makes me think I can't eat anything, anywhere. Ever. Doesn't bother me that much, because I'm so into Japanese and Chinese food... oh, if I was put on a "no soy" diet, it'd be a completely different story of depressing culinary estrangement. You take what you can get, in this business.
Anyway, back to "confrontation"... I'm having to take serious... quiet, fortunately, but still serious ... looks at what I can and can't do. The dishes are only the tip of the "disability iceberg." As part of my disability-insurance -processing process, I'm going to have to fill out a list of skills, training, and experience... and just going through that in my head, not even on the page yet, so many items take the form of "Skill X... can't do that any more."
I'm also aware of the things that I do better than I ever used to do. Has to do with the "sensitivity" that gets cranked up to unexplored heights as part of the M.S. process... Heat sensitivity, cranked to "uncomfortable," cold sensitivity also cranked to "uncomfortable;" but compassion and empathy also got cranked, and those aren't uncomfortable, they're... blessed. Really. They're a wonderful blessing.
'Course, they don't fit on a "skills and training" form. Can't walk. Can't stand. Memory starting to crumble. Can't abide chaos. Can't schlep things. Can't sit in the same place for too long. Trick bladder. And oh yeah there's also this—near-telepathic empathy, and feeling the light of my heart connect to the light of the hearts of my students, and through that connection, catalyzing their self-empowerment.
A disease that makes "having a job" difficult to impossible, but increases one's ability to share joy, laughter, and the radiant light of the heart; and to show others how to find the light within their own hearts.
A very interesting road we travel, is it not?