Sunday, April 29, 2012

Dents; somehow

Seth Godin's blog asked, "Are you making a dent in the universe?"

I feel like the universe has made a dent in me. Although, my spiritual advisers would remind me that much (most) (all) of that dent in me, I made myself. But still, I definitely feel "dented."

I took a longer-than-I-enjoyed walk in a shopping center today, to go from a favorite lunch spot to a "nearby" (no-quotes-"nearby" if you're not impaired) Chinese pharmacy to pick up some of my favorite lozenges. I didn't enjoy the walker-walk at all, but I did it because exercise is important, use it or lose it, yadda yadda yadda. Frankly, if I could have done it in my stocking feet rather than my shoes, I'd probably have despised it much less, but whadda ya gonna do, y'know?

I feel like I have no energy for anything. Hard to release the old to embrace the new when you don't feel like you have any energy to spend on either releasing or embracing. Everything is made more difficult when you don't have the energy to face the truth. It's one thing to flee from the truth—denial is something I've got way too intimate a relationship with, and way way way too much practice at—but to not want to look it in the face because you're just too damn drained... somehow, that's different.

There's a lot of "releasing" that needs doing. Much of the "needing to release" was catalyzed by M.S. symptoms; some of it was not catalyzed by, but revealed by, my current state.

Plus, there are Things in the physical world outside of my immediate condition that also need attention. Hard to muster enthusiasm for Taking Care Of Things, important though they may be, when you have no enthusiasm for doing anything.

Body, mind, and spirit are a single package. All of them need very special care, right now. Not just palliation, but tenderness.

Not sure exactly what I'm going to do right now, once I finish this, but... I'm going to be nice to me. Somehow.

Not a bad thing to do, Sunday evening. Be nice to yourself. Somehow.

So, I'll try that.


1 comment:

Gail said...

Hi - I hear ya and feel ya. I have days where everything is an effort. And some days I am beyond denial. I give you big "props" for going to a mall w/your walker - my feet would be on fire if I took a trek like that. And for me, I am way better w/shoes than without. This MS is a strange beast. And yes, be kind and good to yourself as best you can. Take time to laugh, out loud, heartily. :-)
Love Gail
and I saw you replied to me on an earlier post - thanks! :-) "YAY"