Friday, January 27, 2012

Some "disease," huh?

A brief intermission:

Art imitates life... I sit down to type this, my Ever So Convenient wireless Apple keyboard doesn't want to connect to the computer. Then it connects. Then it doesn't. Then it does, but it does so poorly. And in a few moments, or eventually, depending on how you want to look at it, everything is working just as it's supposed to be. For now.

It's not like I don't live this way, 24/7. A life of intermittent, variable, puzzlingly misbehaving connections, thanks my ever-present Neurological Nonsense. I don't need to have this chunk of hardware exhibiting my problems, too.

Sorry for the extended aside, but... it seemed to fit the situation, y'know?

Anyway, on to the man topic of the day...

All of us M.S.ers know that The Disease brings us "sensitivity" in odd ways. Some physical sensitivity, the simple sensations of "touch" in my case, significantly degraded; many sensations, especially temperature, completely confused. But in other ways, sensitivity (of many kinds) has gone way, way, way up.

Something that I have become very sensitive to, in the last week or so... is speaking from the heart. Five-element acupuncturists would call what I'm feeling not just "the heart," but the capital-H "Heart," the "Heart official." It is the Emperor, the Supreme Commander, and directly connected to the Divine; the first point on the Heart meridian is named "Utmost Source."

But especially in speaking to my students, I can very distinctly feel when my Heart is fully engaged. It's not simply (and only) about "being passionate" or "speaking my bliss," as Joseph Campbell might say... it's something that underlies both of those. It is very powerful, and very patient, and profoundly compassionate.

And I can also feel when I'm not connecting to my Heart. Speaking peevishly. Speaking angrily--anger is definitely not patient or compassionate (shudder). Getting stuff off my chest... Sometimes those things are necessary to process and release stuff you don't need; sometimes those things are just massaging to the ego, or habituated massage to the ego.

But I can really feel the difference between speaking from the Heart and... not. And when I back off my bloviation enough to witness my process, "not connecting to the Heart" feels very empty.

I've felt this sort of thing before, especially playing percussion in orchestras, sometimes while I'm writing music. But ... man, the sensations right now of being "in the Heart," when I'm there, are vibrantly clear. Ragingly vibrantly clear. And when I'm in that State... it's glorious.

But sensitivity... being this sensitive... is a gift of M.S. And the process of living with The Disease, and all that this journey entails, has brought me to precisely the point when it's time to start feeling these things. Because... I think the State would really much rather I spent my time with it, rather than habituatedly massaging my selfish petulance. I know I would.

So a disease that's all about "bad connections," within the nervous system, and reduced perceptions, even numbness... is bringing me to a place of increased perceptions, improved connections, marvelous clear sensations. Oh, I'd be ever so happy to bid farewell to the Neurological Nonsense, and simply to walk free and unassisted, anywhere I wanted to... like over the rough terrain at the archery range so I can practice with my bow; to be able to kneel and rise and perform this particular kyudo ceremony that I've always really loved; to play my beloved organ again! But clarity and compassion, and connection to the Utmost Source... there, I wanna stay.

Some "disease," huh?

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