Saturday, January 7, 2012


Things are still rocky. Lovely warm weather turned into gently cool (read as "not warm enough"); walking and standing are especially shaky today. It's never encouraging when you're standing at the cutting board, or the stove, and suddenly you realize Oh oh... I think I've been standing up too long... and trying to drive that narrow line between perseverance and whether-you-like-it-or-not collapse.

Just saw a friend of mine's TEDx talk. A stellar presentation; but all through hearing it and thinking about it, I'm oscillating between self-empowerment and unprocessed karma/resentment about how Things Didn't Have To Turn Out This Way; and in trying to process that, I'm oscillating between "well, this was their fault" and "well, that was my fault." And every once and a while, a bounce over to a completely different point: "Well, it's not really about fault, now is it?"

Not like I don't have an interesting enough journey as it is, navigating the nasty bits of the Neurological Highway. It's hard enough just living life, without having to ... live life.

Ah... yeah. Right...

Anyway... I'm trying to reset my sleep cycle back to work-a-day diurnal. Weirdest damn thing that's happened with the M.S. stuff... A few days ago, everything flipped--I'd stay up until 3 or 4AM, finally manage to sack out, then sleep until 11AM or noon. Then fall asleep sitting up in a chair, during the afternoon... then stay up until 3 or 4AM. Then repeat. Got a recommendation for some OTC stuff from my doctor, it seems to be at least sort-of working (more with the "sort-of"... I really gotta find a better word for that). We'll see if I'm able to get up early enough and make it to sing at church on Sunday and, more importantly, to Teach The Youth Of America on Monday.

In the Five Element school of Chinese medicine, we're in the season of Water. But before we're ready to accept the gifts of Water, we need to make the most of the gifts of Metal, the element that enables us (among other things) to let go of what is no longer necessary. And I'm definitely not through with the whole "letting go" thing, yet.

And my M.S. symptoms are really pissing me off. Often, I can work around them, sometimes even with them, but right now... they're just getting in my way. They're really getting in my way.

As Rosanne Rosanadanna of the Golden Age of Saturday Night Live used to say, "If it's not one thing, it's another." Well, that's the M.S. journey, in a nutshell, isn't it?

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