Friday, June 10, 2011

Throwing shoes

An interesting change, moving into "vacation mode" this week.

I have no plans. I have, at most, "maybe's." Maybe it'd be nice to do X. Or Y.

But I have no desires. Or barely any.

Next week, I want to spend some time (I think I "want" to spend this time) digging through some musical scores, on a research project that I have thought for a while would be fun to have accomplished. Or maybe even to do, for the thrill of discovery at "who knows what I'll find."

There are certainly some music projects that I think I want to do.

But as to actually wanting to do things? I'm surprisingly far away from that.

The M.S. road has been a surprisingly dark one. Especially now, as we head into the summer, I feel like I'm already in the darkness. My legs have, I think, gotten a little worse, walking is ... let's just say, "interesting." Various other things are functioning oddly or not at all. And yet, none of my darkness has to do with losing those physical things--at least, I don't think it is. I just kind of watch those things and say, "Yeah. Oh well." That may not be particularly heathy (psychologically or spiritually), but physical disability isn't driving my darkness.

It's lack of energy. Gumption. As the saying puts it, "My get-up-and-go has got up and went."

Sitting down to type this has actually been a bit of a victory over what appears to be terminal I-just-don't-care-ism.

The Tiny Buddha blog site has an article about knowing how and when to "let go." I'm sure that I'm being held in this state of dimness because I'm attached to something, but I really don't know what it is. I can guess at generalities, but specifics? I'm clueless. Now, here's something interesting: I see a pattern with certain things in my environment (having nothing to do with M.S.) that have changed, and I think for the worse, and I'm angry about that; but somehow, I'm not angry about, or with, how my life has changed due to the M.S.

I can't let go of either of these things, but at least I can feel, and cop to, the anger at the external changes. But I've never expressed, or even felt, anger at my internal changes. (Have I really, truly, never felt anger? I usually just sit there and say, "Yeah. Oh well." Acceptance, or denial? Honestly, I don't know.)

Separation from a problem will reveal its solution. (I guess "detachment" is part of "separation," isn't it?) I don't know how "caring enough to do something" could reveal a solution to "not caring enough to do anything;" but then again, "not caring" is precisely the problem. So, doing and not doing are both not the path. Which, to be honest, I've known (and experienced as expressed in different forms) for a while.

Another M.S. koan. Or the same koan I've been facing for a while.

In Zen stories, at this point, the master throws a shoe at the student, or just ups and hits him, and the story ends, "and he was enlightened."

M.S. has been throwing shoes at me for some time, now. It hasn't worked yet. I guess I'd better do whatever it is that's being asked of me, before the shoes start getting heavier. And hobnailed.

If I only knew how...

But then again, that's the point of the koan, isn't it? The facile answer is never the right one.

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