On the neurological front, my legs are going number. Except when they aren't. Precision control is still absent. Walking is quite difficult. Except when it isn't. Had a moment the other day when a neurological malfunction might have caused me great embarrassment; except that a different, concurrent neurological malfunction, not even intending to do so, saved me from it. Even at the time, I thought it was funny.
Played timpani and sang at a Pentecost service; both went really well. A piece of mine premiered (a recording will be presented as soon as I have the chance to edit and web-ify it), which also went really well.
A church I used to write a lot of music for, to which I sent a piece just as an "for old time's sake" courtesy, thanked me for it and asked, could maybe I write some more small-ensemble stuff for them? (Of course I said yes.)
And a former student of mine (he's a college junior now) are digging through a friend's private collection of silent-movie music, and OH the stuff we're discovering, that nobody knows about. We're in hog heaven, even if we do spend way too much time in a steel storage container. I'm going to try to leverage our discoveries into an academic paper, and who knows? Maybe we'll also find some music that deserves to return to the light of day.
So, here it is, the summer that I want to spend recuperating from the year's efforts, and I want to (in some ways, I guess I need to) write two professional-level presentations for completely unrelated events, write the music I was thinking about writing for me plus write some music for other people, re-do the acoustical paneling in my studio to help my wife's burgeoning voice-over career plus from time to time (to time) help her by engineering her recordings, and make dinner more often than I have all year.
This, during my season of recovery and recuperation, are the plans. Fantasies, I suppose, is what they really are. Especially because my current pattern seems to be think big, have no energy to actually do things, feel bad. Wake up, and repeat.
I think the most prudent thing to drop in that pattern is "feel bad." Certainly, "have no energy" would also be something nice to drop, that would do a lot towards easing the releasing of "feel bad." But let's admit it, I can change my choices faster than I can change my metabolism.
Two entries on the Tiny Buddha blog seemed to speak directly to my current state; one on helping yourself, one on feeling complete.
Both of which I need to do. More than I need to write research papers or presentations, or write music; but interestingly, very interestingly, those external things are definitely helping grease the internal wheels. My biggest frustration with the M.S. road has been how my manifestation has been blocked; and now, my M.S. symptoms of leg numbness/lack of control are maybe on the increase (depending on the day you check them), there are parts of the day that I feel quite crippled by lack of energy, and yet the opportunities and the pathways to manifest my creativity are starting to flow back to me.
As I often say: comedy like this, you just can't write.