Friday, June 24, 2011

A challenge ... ?

A day of triumph and defeat.

Made many phone calls, this morning. Drove myself to the oculist's for new glasses. Drove myself to grocery store #1. Drove myself to deliver a piece of equipment, get gas for a trip tomorrow, and on the way back home went by grocery store #2. While at store #2, picked up some lunch (we had never tried their vegan sandwiches. Bread was a little chewy/crusty, but the sandwiches were very flavorful.)

Submitted a piece to a publisher. Collected/processed/web-ified some recordings & got ready to put them online.

Got up out of my chair, thinking, "Well, I've got one more place I don't need to go today, but just because I seem to be doing well, let's take care of that, too."

Nope. Crash and burn. Lie down for a half hour, get up to try again; repeat. Managed to make it into the studio to do some Computer Stuff (including this); gonna slough off to the next room, do more Computer Stuff, maybe watch some tube.

I was doing so well, too. Oh well.

Gotta go to my dad's 80th birthday party, tomorrow. 'Sgonna be a Big Day. Wonder how that's gonna go? Well, at least I'll be able to find somewhere to lie down.

My doctor recommended a book for me, Stephen and Ondrea Levine's Who Dies? Not because he couldn't figure out an easy way to break it to me (not to spoil the book's ending, or anything, but the answer is "everybody," no surprise there), but because it is full of beautiful thoughts about forgiveness, and acceptance.

I'm only halfway through it so far, but one thing really sunk in: they recommend that when you come upon a fear, you walk right into it. Don't avoid it, don't run away from it, don't hide from it. Walk right up to it, and into it. This includes fear of pain, fear of loss, fear of death, fear of ... anything.

It really rings true. It's still sinking in, their thoughts on walking right into what you fear.

So when my legs quiver at night, when my head hurts, when my muscles ache, instead of lying cold and alone and desperately wishing they'd just go away... I need to walk up to them, and open my hands and my heart, and simply say, "Here I am."

So, is this my new challenge?

Or is calling it a "challenge" missing the point? Is not the challenge... to not contend?

Man, the M.S. road is a Zen trip.

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