Friday, December 31, 2010

Year in review

I spent some time today reading the past year's blog posts, to see if I saw any running themes; and, even looked back to 2009, to see what has changed from two years ago. Here's what I saw:

I don't get out any more. At all. Even to things like "the store." (Has a lot to do with "no wheels," at least, I hope that's what it has the most to do with.) I didn't lose much work, that was good. But work is pretty much all I did.

I don't have much fun. I'm not depressed, but I don't have much fun. But when I do have fun, it's transformative--both the event and the fun.

I don't walk any more. I can walk (sort of), and I can manage with the walker, for short distances. But I don't walk. I don't really move around.

Iyengar yoga makes me feel better. Why don't I do it? (See above under "don't get out" as a first reason)

I don't do as much kyudo as I'd like to... the first step, "take the stance," involves standing, which I'm not so good at any more. There's the zeroth step, walking to the shooting line... oh yeah. Walking. Which I don't do much, any more. The walker and the local archery range... yeah, that'll be an adventure.

I want to write more music. A lot more music. But I feel like my creativity has been... absent. I'd be writing more music, but I don't have the energy even to just get started. And if I had more inspiration... yeah, I'm able to write things now and again, but the "open the faucet and out it comes" magic is not really with me, right now. Not like it used to be...

How. Many. Times. Did I describe something using the phrase "SORT OF"?????

Never having any energy is the big problem. I feel like I don't have any energy. Ever. All sorts of people try to restore it to me; it never lasts. Never.

There are more things I learned, but what really comes across is... I have a lot of philosophical thoughts about how to transform my life.

And then I do nothing about it. I see what generically needs doing, and speak eloquently about it (I like to think), but I don't see the specific changes that need to be made.

This is possibly at the base of pretty much everything that I find is wrong right now. There have been times during my pre-MS life where I looked at not-so-good stuff I was doing, and I simply said, "Nope. Not any more. It's over." And it was.

I can change. I've done it before. When I've seen what I needed to change, and wanted to change.

I don't see what I need to change. That's problem 1... And problem 2 is that I feel almost no true based-in-the-heart desire for anything any more. To the question "What do you want?" the answer is "I don't 'want' any more."

Cheeze. No wonder I'm stuck. Don't know what to change, and don't really "want" as such, any more, so how can I "want" to change? How can I "want to" anything?

It would be a classic death spiral, if I were in motion anywhere. You've got to be moving to draw a spiral. "Death lump" isn't as good a metaphor, but that's closer to it. "Lump" certainly is.

It's easy to change when you want to change. No matter how big, how complex, how difficult, if you want to change, you can change.

Once you know what to change.

Once you can want.

Neither of which really describe my state right now.

And at GMT zone zero, it's already the new year. All we have to do to make it "official" in California is wait for the ball to drop.

I think Judy has a better last word than I do, so I'll let that be how I end the 2010 blog year.

1 comment:

Peace Be With You said...

Robert, I wish my last word could have been less equivocal, but there it is. It's what is real. At least for me. Thank you for honoring my words. I hope 2011 is kinder to both of us.