Monday, December 20, 2010

Brittleness; metaphor

A new, interesting (if you can call it that) wrinkle in the MS experience.

If I am disturbed during the process of doing something... my process shatters. If I am disturbed during a creative process, I shatter.

Sunday, the walker wasn't where I expected to find it. That threw off my "getting out of the house" process and I didn't remember to take my canes to church. Which made "walking" across the chancel a very interesting (if you can call it that) experience.

When I get home, if something gets between me and the button that closes the garage door, I don't close it. Eventually, I catch the omission, but I don't like leaving it open over-long, nice though our neighborhood is.

Worst of all, if I'm finally... finally... working on music and anyone interrupts me to request that I put my attention into something other than what I'm working on, it destroys my creative moment, my creative process, eradicates whatever enjoyment I might have finally been getting from doing the work (said enjoyment being a very rare commodity nowadays), and pretty much ruins my life for days.

Kinda makes the "I'm having trouble walking" seem like not that big a deal.

I've always been a recluse by choice. I've always disliked interruptions. But now, they're a really horrible experience. And it's not about "my issues are more important that yours," it's not about "my schedule is more important than yours." Sometimes things can wait, in the big picture, some things can't. The perceived "importance" of the interruption isn't the issue. It's the interruption itself.

It seems a self-perpetuating problem. I see my acupuncturist to shore up my ability simply to deal with life. The treatment doesn't last. Which makes me less able to deal with life. Repeat.

And, to add insult to injury, my cute little wireless keyboard keeps crapping out on me as I'm typing this very entry, and my computer displays "Connection lost" at the bottom of the screen, over and over and over. And over. And over.

The pisser of it is, I think that's a metaphor for my current situation.

Of course, if I knew what was causing this disconnection, I'd stop doing it. But of course I don't see it... "connection lost," after all.

Who knew that M.S. stood for "Myriad mysterious metaphorS"?

1 comment:

Peace Be With You said...

"connection lost" Yep, great MS metaphor.