Monday, September 20, 2010

Interesting consequences

Details are deleted to protect the... well, for now, let's call them innocent. And they don't really matter, you'll get the idea pretty quickly.

I got an e-mail today from [family member] expressing disappointment and, actually, rage, that I had neglected to do [something] for [another family member], and approximating the words of the e-mail, if I was as assiduous in expressing generosity towards my family as I was towards my students, well, maybe then I'd deserve to live.

Or something like that.

So, I sent back actually quite a calm reply. I said that I understood the sentiment, but let me tell you what's been going on on my end.

And then I described The Current Situation, in detail. I can barely walk. I now use a motorized wheelchair at school and a walker (when I can walk) that converts to a wheelchair (when I can't). I don't have a car 'cause it's in the shop, replacing the manual transmission that I can no longer control because I can no longer control my left foot. And even then, the way the other foot is "working," I may not be able to drive it until I get some hand controls installed. Our other car has been in the shop for quite some time too, we only get it out on furlough for a drive to the doctor on Wednesday. Did I mention that I had to get new glasses to use computers, because my eyes don't like to focus on the same spot at the same time, without optical assistance? And quite a few more points, as to why I'm basically trapped either at work or at home, and just "popping out to do x, y, or z" simply isn't possible.

I wonder what [family member] will think, when that note arrives. I wasn't cruel or vindictive, but I pulled no punches; because, after all, neither did [family member].

I haven't made a practice of contacting family to tell them about how things no longer work particularly well. Why depress them? Of course, since they thought everything was fine, it's understandable how they might ascribe "not doing things" to lassitude, which (I gotta admit) I've got down to a science.

But by not dowsing them in depression, I'm now dowsed in depression, having to deal with [family member's] anger that's based, at least in part, upon misinterpretation of current situation, caused simply by ignorance.

So, in being nice to them, I somehow enabled them to misunderstand and lash out at me.

Great. So... instead, I should make them suffer so I don't have to suffer?

I refuse to believe that's how it works.

But, like all things MS, it is kinda funny. Darkly funny, as ever.. but still, kinda funny.

1 comment:

Peace Be With You said...

I am sometimes struck by how ironic it is that because I have done such a good job of putting on a show that I am just fine, thank you very much, others have no clue just how difficult it is for me to make it through the day.